One of the biggest challenges that people in a relationship come to me with is trying to discern whether the person they are with is actually the right match for them or whether they are self-sabotaging. 

Self-sabotage can take so many forms…

• from fault finding and nitpicking flaws with your partner (e.g. being easily irritated by things, finding them annoying, criticizing them, shaming them, judging them)...

• holding back from your partner and not letting them get too close so that the intimacy can never really develop

• being so full of internalized shame and low self-esteem that you unconsciously don’t feel worthy of being with your partner and so you never really let them in to see the real you…

• or you people please, because you’re afraid of disappointing them and being abandoned in the process..

• or you avoid going deep into issues by just distracting yourself with work, your friends, going to the gym, or whatever else feels better than doing the granular work of the relationship. 

And there are so many other things you can be doing that are self-sabotage.

The problem with this, is that when you are knee deep in self sabotage, you can’t be ever truly sure if the pain that you're feeling, the disappointment that you're feeling, is because of the relationship or because of things that you are doing unconsciously. 

Now, none of this is conscious — let that be known. Self-sabotage is always an innocent strategy that your unconscious mind is doing trying to get its needs met. It’s never a malicious thing, or a sign that you’re bad or doing anything wrong…it’s just a maladaptive strategy that needs fixing. But I won’t get into that too much as it’s another topic.

For now, here are 4 clear signs that you’re likely better off doing the inner work before you make any big decisions about your relationship:

1. Being preoccupied with what a partner is or isn't doing and trying to get them to change to be a certain way.

This might look like noticing their behaviors, seeing if they are doing what you asked them to do, observing them closely. You might find yourself noticing certain behaviors in them more than you would notice in other people. And you might even find yourself keeping score. Being overly fixated on your partner and not yourself (i.e. seeing what you might be doing) is a classic sign of what we call anxious attachment, which is going to be holding you back.

2. Making your partner responsible for your emotions, including your anxiety, and not looking at what role you might have to play in this.

When we give away our power to another person and ‘blame’ them or tell them that ‘you made me feel’ a certain way, we are avoiding taking responsibility for our own internal patterns. This is an unconscious strategy to create connection with another person and avoid feeling ‘alone’, or ‘bad’ which is where the healing really happens. This is definitely maladaptive and you need to shift this if you want to see your relationship clearly - and have any chance of saving it. 

3. You put aside your desires, wants, and needs for the greater good of the relationship. 

If you find yourself doing things that you probably wouldn’t normally do, sacrificing yourself, doing things that you think are ‘best’ for the two of you - going to certain events, holding your tongue, staying silent, ignoring certain things, or bending your values - you’re in a way, people pleasing. And that’s a very common pattern of self sabotage geared at unconsciously trying to keep love and connection…but actually it works to push away real intimacy. Because if you aren’t presenting your honest self, your true feelings, your authentic desires…how can you know if the relationship is with the REAL version of you? How can you know if your love is grounded in the truth of who you are or just a facade?

4. Settling for love and tolerating breadcrumbs.

When you are tolerating breadcrumbs, i.e. accepting the bare minimum in a relationship…whether that is them texting you back, much later than what you’ve communicated you’d like…or them not helping you out when you are vulnerable and need help…or they’re speaking to you in a way that doesn’t feel good to you anymore, or you’re feeling let down and disappointed time and time again with their behaviors but tell yourself it’s okay and at least they’re trying…

When you’re settling for scraps, you’re self abandoning.

You’re abandoning what you truly want and need, and what you deserve, for the sake of keeping the peace and connection with someone that isn’t giving you your full worth.

This is an unconscious pattern of self abandonment that stems from fearing abandonment and therefore, being addicted, unconsciously, to that very same pattern. This NEEDS to change if you want to see the truth of your relationship. Because when you transform this pattern, you step up into your potential to ask for what you want and need, for what you deserve, and actually communicate that effectively…so that they can hear it. You also create healthy boundaries that mean you stop tolerating bad behavior which increases the chances of them giving you good behavior. 

The good news is…

My new masterclass walks you step-by-step on how to get this clarity and certainty on where you might be self sabotaging yourself even further. It also includes my Bonus Relationship Audit, and most importantly, a bonus strategy call with me for 30 minutes!

So if you want to get in, it’s running on 25th July at 5pm GMT!

Save your spot here.