3 reasons why you’re feeling alone and unsupported in your relationship.
Something I hear all the time from professionals is that they’re feeling alone and unsupported in their relationship.
These professionals are typically career-driven individuals, who work relatively long hours, but at the same time have a lot to show for in life. A beautiful home, a great lifestyle, holidays, lovely children, a good family, and a partner to share it all with.
However, the partner - and the relationship itself - isn’t giving them what they need.
They love their partner, and they love their life together, but ultimately the weight of the relationship, carrying things along, figuring things out, making the big decisions, feels like it’s on their head.
Inevitably, this can become exhausting, start to feel like a burden, and lead to relationship burnout: a state of malaise and fatigue in the relationship, where you feel so tired of the constant arguing, disagreements, the pressure, and sheer weight of it all, drains you.
This is a dangerous place to be, because once you hit burnout, finding the energy to step up and transform the dynamic can feel difficult. And once you find yourself too tired to do anything, the road is bleak.
You will either end up accepting the crumbs that you are settling for, and resigning yourself to a life half lived…or you will end up seeking escape, whether through a breakup, infidelity, or other means.
So why do you feel so alone and unsupported?
Here are 3 of the most common reasons:
You have unconscious patterns that are leading you to self sabotage the relationship
We all have unconscious patterns. They come from our childhood (typically between the ages of 0 and 8) and they are essentially the blueprint upon which we build our lives. They depend largely on our conditioning by our primary caregivers, though your society, religion, context can impact these too. Your unconscious patterns will become the ‘baseline normal’ that you live your life through. And until you bring these to your consciousness, these patterns will run the show. What do I mean by this?
I mean that the patterns will shape how you view the world, and how you act in the world. Because they are your baseline, they are your mental conditioning.
So if you have an unconscious pattern, rooted in a core wound, about being alone, or being abandoned, then that is what you will live out in your life - no matter how married you are or how big your family is. You will feel consistently alone.
You can have THE most supportive partner and wonderful marriage, and still feel alone when you have this unconscious pattern.
It doesn't really matter what they do or how they behave, because you will still default to seeing things through that lens.
How to know if you have this unconscious pattern?
Well, take a look at your friendships and your relationships. Do you feel consistently alone or unsupported in these? Have you felt this before? If so, it’s likely a pattern from your unconscious rather than a real time response to the relationship in front of you. This is what you’re going to have to shift, if you want to shift your reality.
There are tons of other unconscious patterns to work through, so bringing your awareness to these is going to be of critical importance if you want to heal and improve how you feel in your relationship (and the relationship itself). This is precisely what I teach my clients in the Liberation phase of my program: how to make the unconscious conscious, and how to transform it for the better.
You are disconnected from your needs
Another big reason you may feel alone and unsupported in your relationship is because you are disconnected from your needs. Most people actually don't know what their needs are. They know what their WANTS are. The house, the car, the holiday. But not what the needs are beneath these. And so of course you feel alone and unsupported in your relationship, you haven’t tapped into your needs to get them met. So you are feeling inevitably neglected and bad about things, because you are fundamentally neglecting yourself. You are self abandoning.
You cannot expect a relationship or your partner to meet your needs if you don't know what they are. And most people truly don’t know what they are. Because they've never been taught to look at them, or do the inner work to uncover them. They’re often buried under a ton of unconscious blocks that actually prevent you from even seeing them.
So, to transform this, you have to identify your primary, secondary, and tertiary needs, and start to get these met. You have to get connected to the authentic needs (not what you think you want) and learn how to communicate these to your partner in a healthy, productive way - so that they can hear you, understand you, and work with you to get them met.
Trust me, when you do this, you WILL feel more supported and less alone.
Your partner simply is not stepping up
If you have cleared your unconscious patterns, identified your deep needs, and articulated them to your partner from a place of vulnerability, transparency, and partnership, and you are still feeling alone and unsupported, then there is a real possibility that your partner is simply unable to step up. Or they do not want to. Either way, if at this point after doing the prior two steps you’re still feeling bad about the relationship then it may be a sign that your partner is not willing or is not compatible with what you need. Of course you need to test this with a strong dose of healthy communication - communication what is constructive, proactive, compassionate, collaborative, and kind. And if they are unable to hear this and start to work with you to get your needs met, then you will inevitably feel alone and unsupported - and maybe, just maybe, this time you actually are.
The benefit of this clarity though, is that if you have done steps 1 and 2, you will know that you are NOT destined to be alone NOR are you destined to be unsupported. You are with yourself, you are connected to yourself, and you deserve to get your needs met. It may be that your better of discerning whether you want to stay or go, recognising that ultimately you deserve to feel safe, loved and chosen, with your partner, and you deserve to feel fulfilled in your relationship.
If reading this is making you feel aware of your own limitations in your relationship, whether its recognizing that you maybe do have unconscious blocks that need clearing, or you don’t know what your deepest needs are, then it may be best for you to dive into learning more about this.
You can do that by listening to my podcast here:
https://plinkhq.com/i/1759160899?to=page
My podcast is where I talk about this in depth, or, if you’re ready, jumping onto a call with me to learn more about the tangible ways you can change this for yourself.
Whatever you do, do NOT let yourself become apathetic, complacent, or give up.
You have one precious life and you deserve to give it all you;ve got.
And trust me when I say this, you deserve to be happy, to feel safe, to feel loved, to feel chosen and to get your needs met in your relationship.
