Are you in a relationship with someone who makes you feel anxious and a bit unsure about things and where you stand…

Yet you're successful in every other area of your life?

If so, you likely have some unresolved internal blocks around your own sense of worthiness, emotional safety, and feeling genuinely loved.

And unless you address these at a subconscious level (which your typical talk therapy typically can’t reach), your relationship patterns won’t shift.

Whether it’s this person or someone else…

You’ll continue attracting this SAME dynamic.

You’ll continue feeling stuck with the same treatment.

You’ll continue feeling bad about your relationship...

...Feeling lonely, unsupported, and likely quite misunderstood.

Here is why.

Are you feeling like all the passion and spark has left your long-term relationship?

Perhaps you’ve been together a long time, things are solid, you’re good friends, great parents, and have a great partnership.

There is nothing wrong on the surface, it's a very good and loving relationship.

But the passion and unfortunately with it, the sx has gone?

If so, I am willing to bet that you CAN reclaim it and get it back. But it won’t be through couples counseling or you finding a therapist to talk about this with.

It’ll be through a series of internal work, processing, and clearing that you get to do alone, without having to drag your partner into it, because so much of the reasons behind your lack of passion will be starting with…YOU.

Here’s what I mean:

Are you feeling frustrated with your partner for not being passionate enough in the relationship - it feels like they don’t really care anymore?

Perhaps you travel a lot for work, and when you’re gone, it’s like they don’t miss you at all - they don’t call or text that often, and there’s no real sense of yearning.

Or when you’re home, and they’re there, scrolling on instagram on the couch next to you, it feels like they just don’t care about how your day has gone, or what’s going on for you - they’re in their little bubble, oblivious to the fact you’re feeling disconnected.

If so, it’s highly likely that your partner actually WANTS to be passionate but has actually shut down in the relationship themselves…

And their current lack of passion, is actually their survival response to feeling disconnected and lonely as well.

It’s not that they don’t care about you - they likely do.

It’s more likely that they’ve also struggled with the relationship and their own feelings about it…

Haven’t known what to do or say

Have you ever asked ChatGPT about what to do about your relationship?

Maybe you’ve asked it what to do about an argument you’re having, and how to respond to them.

Or perhaps you’ve been trying to figure out what to do logistically - do you stay, or go?

If so, then you might be inadvertently making your problems worse.

Tons of studies point to the dangers of using AI to figure out our relationships.

This is something I am getting increasingly passionate about, as more and more folks defer to AI…

And more and more studies come out pointing to the dangers of this.

Because when it comes to relationships, intimacy, and healing - you simply cannot outsource it.

Ever wondered why you can have weeks of calm and connection with your partner… before it all collapses in one explosive argument?

You feel like you’ve just found your rhythm again, only to watch it derail. It’s a cycle: a few weeks good. Then a crash. Then the slow climb back up. It’s exhausting.

And the more it happens, the more you start asking yourself:

How long can I actually do this? Because living in constant volatility, always waiting for the next blow-up, doesn’t just drain your relationship. It drains you.

Here’s the truth: That pattern doesn’t always mean you’re fundamentally incompatible. Frequent arguments don’t automatically mean things are beyond repair.

Yes, if you have irreconcilable values differences (monogamy vs. open relationship, religious beliefs, whether to have children), you have to face those directly. But in many cases, what’s really fueling the cycle isn’t about the content of the argument. It’s about the triggers behind it.

We live in an avoidant society - one that rewards distraction, celebrates detachment, and pathologizes being actually happy and relaxed in life.

It’s seen as being boring. Losing your edge.

Instead, we're taught to drive, optimize, perform, push through, and aim high...

But never to pause and confront, or be content with 'being' or resting.

We get quick dopamine hits from social media, buying things, getting wins at work…

But difficult conversations, confronting hard emotions, are outsourced to therapists, numbed with alcohol, or buried under to-do lists. Or, god forbid, vented out to ChatGPT (honestly, lord help us all).

Growing apart doesn’t happen overnight.

It often starts very subtle, and builds up over the years.

Separate lives forming, sharing less with each other, focusing wholly on the kids or logistics, unspoken resentment, subtle avoidance.

And over time, what was once intimate becomes purely platonic, and purely logistical.

Two people in the same house, operating as co-managers, not partners.

Raising the kids, doing the admin, managing the finances, and getting on with life…

But really having two separate worlds.

According to decades of research from the Gottman Institute, the root causes of emotional drift are rarely about “big issues.”

They stem from breakdowns in communication, trust, and the failure to adapt to each other’s evolving emotional needs.

Here’s what the research, lived experience, and my own work with clients, tells us:

Ever find yourself walking on eggshells with your partner, afraid of causing problems and arguments starting that make you feel overwhelmed and attacked?

You’re so wary of avoiding arguments, that you avoid things - and when things build up, they turn into a huge confrontation that goes nowhere, and just leaves you feeling stuck, powerless and trapped?

If so, it’s likely you’ve got internal subconscious blocks around letting yourself be seen and heard, which stem from your childhood…

…and are now keeping you in a position of staying small and afraid with your partner.

Which makes you bite your tongue and hold back what you really want to say (and what you need to say)

Leading you to avoid things, keep quiet, and walk around on eggshells.

If I told you how many times I get inbound messages like this, and how many clients I have with this problem, you wouldn’t believe it.

It’s probably up there in the top 3 problems I help folks solve for.

Because it’s unbelievably easy to develop a crush, feelings, or to even fall in love with someone that isn’t your spouse in this day and age.

In fact, I think it’s getting easier and easier. And more and more common.

But the good news is that it doesn’t always mean you have to leave your partner or that your marriage is ruined. Not at all.

Here’s what I know is typically going on and why I don’t worry too much:

“Spend more time together” - why this trite advice never works for high achieving couples.

You’re feeling disconnected with your partner, so you try the classic advice: just spend more time together.

And it doesn’t work.

Here’s why:

Time together doesn’t automatically build intimacy.

In fact - when the emotional gap is big - it can actually make things worse. And it often does.

That’s because the brain’s threat system (driven by the amygdala) can’t distinguish between emotional neglect and physical threat. So when disconnection sets in, the body interprets this as relational danger. And thus your cortisol spikes and defenses go up.

It feels unfamiliar, uncomfortable, and dangerous to your nervous system.

Does your partner accuse you of being unloving and unkind, even though you’re trying extremely hard in the relationship?

Perhaps you’re doing your best to give them attention, validation, respect and kindness (even though you are struggling yourself)

And yet your partner say that you’re not doing enough, that you're the problem, maybe you’re yelling (even though you don’t think you are), that you’re invalidating their feelings, that you don’t get it.

So quite frankly, you feel ignored and unappreciated.

You feel misunderstood and confused.

How is it that whatever you try to do doesn’t seem to be enough?

Well, if this is happening, there’s likely two things at play here:

Firstly, know that you’re not alone.

Many high-functioning professionals I work with share a common complaint:

"We used to have chemistry.

Now it just feels flat. We’re like co-parents, friends, and it’s not exciting anymore.

I just don’t feel attracted to my partner."

For some, the relationship has lasted a decade or more.

For others, the decline came faster.

Either way, the spark is gone, and they’re wondering if that means the love is too.

Is it possible to no longer be attracted to their partner?

Were they ever really?

Is it time to end things?

Or are they the problem and they’re somehow sabotaging things?

And these folks are highly capable, high-achieving, smart professionals who are able to figure most things out - yet this, their romantic life, their marriage, feels uncertain.

Now, blaming the relationship makes sense - but in my experience, the problem isn’t always the partner.

Have you ever felt upset or let down by your partner but not said anything, because you don’t want more drama, and you don’t actually believe that talking to them will help? You think it’ll just make things worse?

Perhaps you’ve tried to speak up for what you need before, and it’s backfired.

So now you avoid it?

Well, the solution for you lies in realizing that having conflict is not a sign of failure, but in fact a healthy, normal part of a strong relationship - and conflict can actually be a good thing that brings you two together.

I can imagine you’re thinking:

• ‘Sure, sounds good in theory, but the reality is horrible.’

• ‘Conflict never gets us anywhere - it just makes things worse.’

• ‘What’s the point?’

You feel like you're on a different frequency to them these days.

You’ve done deep personal work. They haven't.

And you’re clearer, calmer, more self-aware. But they aren't.

So your conversations break down. And intimacy is dead.

And you feel misunderstood, a bit lonely, and like you're getting more and more disconnected.

Well, here’s a thought for you:

Yes - it’s absolutely possible to outgrow a partner. This does happen, for sure.

BUT it’s also possible to mistake internal growth for incompatibility, when what’s actually happening is the surfacing of old wounds that were never addressed.

This is what I see 9 times out of 10 with my clients.

Here's some trends that you might relate to, if so:

Have you outgrown your relationship?

If you know that your relationship isn’t working.

Because you haven’t been intimate in months.

And you’d rather be alone than in the same room together.

And whilst you’re unsure how you got here… - you feel in your gut: something has to change…

Here’s a possibility worth considering:

What if the disconnection you’re feeling isn’t actually about growing apart… But about outgrowing a bond that was never truly built on genuine emotional connection in the first place?

Because here’s what often happens with high functioning professionals - especially those who married young or during times of emotional instability.

You can unknowingly form a relationship that’s rooted in survival, rather than shared values and genuine compatibility.

This is what psychologists refer to as a trauma bond.

A trauma bond is not about being in an abusive relationship or about some sort of traumatising connection - not in the way most people think.

One of the biggest reasons I see people fail at improving their relationship, even when they’re miserable and ostensibly trying to ‘fix it’, is because they think that reading a book on love languages, or scrolling through Instagram and watching reels by various relationship coaches will actually help them.

I mean, my instagram and Tik Tok content are good but heck, I give away maybe 1% of my IP and strategies in there.

Because it’s meant to be clickbait (that’s just the world of marketing) and it’s meant to be short, digestible, and scrollable.

It’s not meant to actually transform your 10+ year relationship.

Nor is a book, which studies show you will only ever retain about 3% of (!!!!!).

Not to mention, when you are scrolling social media thinking you’re ‘learning about relationships’ or reading some godforsaken book, you’re only using a teeny tiny 3% of your brain - your conscious mind - to take in that information.

And the information might be crap, anyway - let’s not forget that love languages were discredited by science years ago…yes, that book itself is more ‘clickbait’.

Your romantic relationship - that living, breathing, messy, emotional, scary, big, heavy, THING - is not something you can just intellectualise or scroll your way through.

Those arguments you have, that feeling in the pit of your stomach, that nagging doubt that you’re maybe with the wrong person, that feeling of being lonely within it…

These aren’t things you can just read your way through.

These are things that live way beneath your conscious mind - deep, buried within you - that you can’t really get to that easily.

They’re often not even things you can ‘think’ about clearly, because so much of it is nestled within your own blind spots.

Nope.

Have you ever found yourself doubting your relationship and your partner, feeling like something is off? Wondering if they’re actually the right fit for you?

And it’s quite alarming, naturally, because you’re invested with them and the idea of potentially leaving (and having made a ‘mistake’ in choosing them) is a painful pill to swallow?

So you go back and forth, pushing that thought out of your mind, telling yourself it’s likely just you making things up…but you can’t shift the feeling, and it keeps lingering in the back of your mind?

If so, then I have some good news for you:

It might not mean that your partner is the wrong match for you.

It might just mean that you have some old blocks from your past around intimacy and love.

Which is ultimately great, because it means you can change this - and reclaim your relationship. Without having to even involve your partner or let them know you’re doubting things.

Now, this isn’t always the case.