Feeling alone and unsupported in your relationship? Here's what you need to do.
If you’re an ambitious professional who’s feeling unsure about your partner because you’re carrying all the responsibilities and taking the lead on virtually everything in your relationship…
…and all you feel is alone and unsupported in it…
…and sometimes even like you’re maybe doing too much (though you also feel like you can’t fully depend on them)...
…the way forward for you lies in:
Identifying whether you’re projecting old wounds onto your relationship or if there is actually an issue with what your partner is doing and you’re actually self-gaslighting (and if you are projecting, clearing out those old wounds)
Taking ownership of the various ways you are actually contributing to the problem
Learning to trust yourself more, and
Creating new and productive strategies to reignite the intimacy and connection you desire.
Ultimately, this means prioritizing your relationship (aka stop avoiding the issue) and finding a solution to your disconnect, once and for all.
And crucially, doing this by going inward to take ownership of your side of the street within it.
Contrary to conventional wisdom, marriage counseling won’t be very helpful for you here, by the way.
Because even though it feels so logical and sensible to think marital counseling is the answer, even if you already know that your partner will likely shun the idea and take it as a criticism…
It’s not actually going to be the thing that helps you the most.
In fact, studies show that 40% of couples STILL break up after counseling, 2 years later.
What we do know from endless studies in behavioral science is that the root cause of your issues isn’t going to be something that you can solve with a few communication techniques or intimacy practices.
Nor is mediating dialogue between you and your partner going to be very useful.
(Which is really what most couples counseling is, in my experience.
Two folks in a room with a mediator who lets each person speak for 20 minutes, before meditating the dialogue and teaching one or two little communication practices to help bridge the gap.
Great in theory, and may work well in the counselors office.
But as soon as you get home, it’s back to the status quo, and all practices go out the window.
Before you know it, trying to cajole your partner to DO the practices at home at all feels like an uphill battle because you’re both so busy and rushing around, plus you’re already pent up with frustration and resentment, and they’re already feeling defensive and grumpy for having gone in the first place…so it just becomes another painful ‘to do’ list item on your never ending list).
In fact, plenty of clients come to me after dropping upwards of $10k on couples counseling and getting nowhere.
I had one gentleman confess they’d spent $50k and were feeling even worse than when they had started (his wife had threatened him with a divorce), because they’d opened up all these cans of worms and each session geared at clearing them up felt too short, too superficial, never really got deep enough to process anything, and yet still cost them $350 for the hour…so they kept coming back chasing relief and going around in circles.
The main reason though, why marital counseling is a red herring for you, is because the root cause of 99% of relationship issues isn’t actually what your partner is doing, or how they’re behaving.
It’s not the annoying way that they get defensive when you ask them to do something…
Or the way that they always seem to be grumpy and low mood, bringing the energy down.
Or even the things that they did a few years back that broke your trust.
It’s actually not the behaviors at all.
Rather, an overwhelmingly big chunk of what is at fault is largely about what’s happening for you on the inside.
Because almost all of us, you included, have a series of blocks, past pains, hurts, old wounds floating around inside of your subconscious, buried deep inside of you, from your childhood.
Many of them will be from later in life too - from previous partners, painful experiences.
Your parents divorce, perhaps, or the way that your parents emigrated you to a foreign country at a young age (like me), or even getting bullied in the playground (also me).
They may feel like small and trivial things, and you almost certainly won’t remember any of them.
But these old stories inside of you, and the unprocessed experiences, emotions, beliefs, and wounds…
…are playing a HUGE role in shaping how you experience your day to day.
And they’re especially significant in how you experience your relationship.
And the truth is, until you look at things at this root cause level, at the subconscious level, and get laser clear on where you might be protecting your old wounds on your partner and the relationship…and actually address these wounds by clearing them out…
…it will be virtually impossible to truly fix your relationship.
It will be impossible to feel truly happy in it.
Nothing your partner does will ever be good enough, or make you feel loved, or connected, or safe.
Nothing.
You can learn ALL the marital counseling tools and techniques out there…
And spend years in retreats, learning tantra, intimacy, sexual, whatever the heck practices to deepen your bond…
…and you will still stay unfulfilled and unhappy with your partner.
(I once thought that buying silky lingerie and floating around the house trying to be all in my ‘divine feminine’ would help me feel more feminine with my partner and stop us from arguing).
You can do all the surface level interventions, and still stay feeling alone and unsupported.
You cannot even trust yourself, let alone your partner, when you have these unconscious blocks inside of you.
So it follows then, that you will want to first tackle these and clear them out before you do anything else.
Because how can you know what to do, or see the relationship clearly, when you’re full of blocks?
Even if they are small and slight, they will be impacting your relationship.
And even if you feel you had a lovely happy childhood, I have yet to meet anyone in my 17+ years of behavioral science experience who is unhappy with their partner, has not left them yet, and does NOT have blocks to clear out.
So this feels like a logical place to start, right?
Now, plot twist - therapy won’t help you much here either.
Because whilst therapy is absolutely geared at making the unconscious conscious, it doesn’t really do much to actually clear the blocks out.
It tends to shine a nice light on them, and show them to you:
“You have an abandonment wound from your father”
‘You have trust issues from your mother”
“Your ex hurt you deeply and now you struggle to feel safe with men”
“You associate sex with love, which is why you yearn for it so much”
And so on.
Which is great, it’s a start.
But it doesn’t give you tools to actually CLEAR these wounds out.
So you can spend forever talking about the issue (I spent 15 years doing this :) ) and not really go anywhere.
Whereas what I care about more, being an ex Corporate professional and go-getter, is actually getting you somewhere.
In my experience, if you bring tools and techniques that work with the subconscious mind and actually CLEAR the wounds out, at the root cause level, you can move forward with your life so much faster.
And stop obsessing and worrying about your relationship.
And reclaim the love and intimacy you deserve.
And get back your freedom and sanity, too.
This doesn’t actually require you to add more hours to your day nor drop the ball on your work, or family, either.
Because when you know how to do all the above in an elegant, efficient, and easeful way, you can get it done amidst a busy schedule and whilst juggling a thousand responsibilities.
In fact, in my experience, the clients who are often the most busy -
On a plane every week
Raising two or more young children
Pressed for time with a million urgent deadlines
Navigating a plethora of serious stakeholders
Are often the most efficient and effective at this work.
Partly because the techniques are so geared at efficiency, and partly because they roll their sleeves up and bring a ‘let’s get this done’ attitude that makes the progress feel all that much more rewarding.
In fact, it’s not even really work.
It’s more of a processing of clearing and reconnecting.
And a thoroughly enjoyable one when you get into the swing of things :)
Ready to create that loving and connected relationship you deserve? Click here to register for my free masterclass.
