When it comes to our relationships with those closest to us – our family, friends, colleagues, and lovers – we are constantly having to overcome obstacles in our path to happiness. How do we maintain our long-term friendships as we grow older, move further away, and embark on our own journey? In what ways are we making our partner feel loved, even as we balance the demands of work and our own needs? When we are seeking clarity on life’s tough decisions, we can, and should, turn to professionals to help guide us, but we should also expand our mind by picking up a good book. Below are a mix of classic relationship texts, guides on communication, and even the science behind pleasure.

Mating in Captivity

Esther Perel

One of the world’s most respected erotic intelligence gurus, Perel challenges the idea that intimacy and passion are necessarily linked, suggesting that it is possible to maintain desire in a long-term relationship. Drawing on case studies and research, she explores the tension between love and desire and offers practical advice for maintaining a fulfilling sexual connection with your partner. Perel discusses various factors that can impact erotic desire, including the ways in which cultural messages and gender roles shape our expectations and behaviors in relationships. Throughout the book, she emphasizes the importance of maintaining a sense of individuality and independence within a relationship, as well as the need for both partners to take responsibility for their own desires and needs. Perel helpfully provides practical advice and exercises for readers to explore these topics within their own relationships.

“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?”

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

John Gottman & Nan Silver

This book, by the Emeritus Professor of Psychology for the University of Washington, outlines seven principles for maintaining a happy and healthy marriage, including effective conflict resolution strategies. Some of the principles include cultivating a culture of fondness and admiration, managing conflict effectively, and fostering emotional connection and intimacy.. Each principle is backed up by research and illustrated with real-world examples. The authors also highlight the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” – negative patterns of behaviour that destroy relationships, such as Criticism and Stonewalling. Gottman and Silver provide practical exercises and tools for couples to use in their own relationships, such as techniques for effective communication, strategies for managing disagreements, and ways to prioritize and strengthen the emotional connection between partners.

“Some people leave a marriage literally, by divorcing. Others do so by leading parallel lives together.”

Come as You Are

Emily Nagoski

Written by a sex educator and researcher, this book takes a deep dive into the science of sexual arousal and desire. Nagoski argues that our cultural beliefs about sex often do not align with the reality of how our bodies and minds work. The book offers insights into the factors that impact sexual desire and pleasure, and provides practical tools for individuals and couples to improve their sex lives. One of the key themes of the book is the idea that women's sexuality is often pathologized or misunderstood, leading to feelings of shame or inadequacy. Nagoski argues that it is important to recognize that there is no one "normal" or "right" way to experience sexuality, and that every woman's journey is unique. She emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and self-compassion in cultivating a healthy and fulfilling sex life.

“I am done living in a world where women are lied to about their bodies; where women are objects of sexual desire but not subjects of sexual pleasure; where sex is used as a weapon against women; and where women believe their bodies are broken, simply because those bodies are not male. And I am done living in a world where women are trained from birth to treat their bodies as the enemy.”

The Course of Love

Alain de Botton

Part novel, part philosophical guidebook on romance, de Botton tackles the difficult subject of how to create and maintain enduring love. De Botton uses the story of two lovers in their twenties to explore the romantic ideal that society places on love and relationships, and the ways in which this ideal can be unrealistic and damaging. He argues that true love is not just about passion and excitement, but also about the everyday realities of living with another person, including the challenges and compromises that come with long-term commitment. In this author’s eyes, love is not just an emotion, but a skill that can be learned and practiced.

“We take this idea of love with us into adulthood. Grown up, we hope for a re-creation of what it felt like to be ministered to and indulged. In a secret corner of our mind, we picture a lover who will anticipate our needs, read our hearts, act selflessly and make everything better. It sounds ‘romantic’; yet it is a blueprint for disaster.”

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

Marshall B. Rosenberg

This book presents a communication method that aims to promote understanding and connection between individuals. The book includes strategies for resolving conflicts through effective, Nonviolent Communication. This communication is meant to serve us by increasing our ability to live with choice, connect empathically with ourselves and others, and to share sources for everyone’s benefit.

"Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others need and are not getting.”

Maybe You Should Talk To Someone

Lori Gottlieb

Gottlieb's book is a memoir about her experiences as both a therapist and a patient. Through her own story and those of her clients, she explores themes of self-discovery, relationships, and personal growth. The book features several of her patients, each with their own unique challenges and journeys in therapy, including a successful Hollywood producer struggling with relationship issues and a high-achieving perfectionist who finds herself in a downward spiral. The book is both humorous and poignant, and offers insights into the complexities of the human psyche and how we can work through our emotional struggles. Gottlieb emphasizes the importance of empathy, connection, and vulnerability in the therapeutic process. She also highlights the ways in which therapy can help us to better understand ourselves and our relationships, and to make positive changes in our lives.

“But part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself—to let go of the limiting stories you’ve told yourself about who you are so that you aren’t trapped by them, so you can live your life and not the story you’ve been telling yourself about your life.”