A female client who’s the ambitious breadwinner in her marriage asked me a question yesterday that made me wince. “Should I just suck it up, be more feminine and rub my husband’s ego to keep the peace and make him happy?”. Yikes!


I told her: “No. Doing that is going to just lead you to abandon yourself even further, trying to fit the mold of what you think you need to be in this relationship. You'll become resentful, and eventually explode, have a nervous breakdown, or leave him for someone that you can actually relax and be yourself with".


What DOES work is:


Overcoming your own internal sense of shame and guilt around your ambition and breadwinner status as a woman and connecting with the joy and pleasure you have inherently within that (if it does in fact, bring you joy and pleasure deep down - if not, then this is something to look at).


When you do that, you stop rejecting yourself on an internal level, which allows you to relax and feel more self-love. So you actually become more secure and confident, which further allows you to become a more satisfied, radiant, and joyful version of you (since you are no longer shaming yourself into some ‘feminine’ mold).


Which ultimately, makes you more attractive to your partner. And ironically more feminine because you are pursuing your joy and pleasure daily.

Which in turn allows you to soften and more vulnerable with your partner because you are no longer hiding who you really are and what you really need.

So you feel safer with them, trust them, and start seeing them through a more loving and less combative lens! This will make you far more naturally inclined to nourish their ego, because YOU are well nourished yourself.


This is where mainstream teachings around masculinity / femininity are reductive. And I know it first hand…


Because I used to think this same thing in my first engagement. And I, like other female clients who are strong and smart, somehow believed that to be 'feminine' I have to stay soft, sweet, and unthreatening. Otherwise, I will emasculate the man.


Which will lead to them leaving me.


So I'd stay small and walk around feeling guilty and ashamed for being a bad partner. But all of that is a superficial solution to a deeper problem - patriarchy (but I won’t go into that now) and gender roles (which is what I am talking about). The truth is, if you're a smart and ambitious woman, who loves her work...GREAT!


It means your needs are getting met, which is a GOOD thing. So enjoy it. Have fun with it. Play with it.


Savour the sensation of getting your needs met, receive it all, and come to your relationship feeling full, satisfied, and fulfilled.


Because THAT energy is going to nourish you, him and your relationship FAR more than feeling ashamed and trying to stay small.


If you’re struggling with your own shame and guilt around this, then I can help you. Learning science-based strategies to do that is my specialty.


Book a call with me and let’s chat about embracing who you are.