“Am I being unreasonable? Am I asking for too much?” Why you can have it all.

Do you ever find yourself wondering:

“Am I being unreasonable?” 

“Am I asking for too much?”

“Are my expectations too high?

“Am I too demanding?”

“Do I need to calm down?”

“Do I need to settle?”

And within that, is there a heavy, looming sense of self-doubt? Of self-doubt, perhaps some self-criticism coming out as a frustration with yourself, an irritation, a sense of, ‘why can’t I just figure this out? What’s wrong with me? Why am I always the one with problems in this part of my life?’

The reality is - this is probably one of the most common questions I get asked by the successful professionals that I support. 

Any variation of these, of this questioning, self-doubt, I hear from pretty much nearly everyone.

It can come across whilst dating, and wondering why the heck you can’t find anyone interesting enough, compelling enough, interesting enough, attractive enough. Why you can’t feel that ‘spark’. Why you can’t seem to be excited by anyone. What the heck is wrong with you?

It can also come across when you are in relationship. And you feel that quiet sense of disappointment, of feeling a little bit let down, a little bit empty, a little bit sad with your partner. Perhaps your partner isn’t reciprocating enough. Perhaps they aren’t leaning in to meet you enough. Perhaps they just don’t understand you enough. Perhaps it all just feels a tiny bit ‘meh’. 

And so you wonder, is it you? Are you being too much? Are you being unreasonable? What even is reasonable, anyway?

I had this myself for most of my 20s and early 30s.

Filled with a sense of quiet disappointment, I went on to have relationships with men that never left me feeling quite satisfied. And I hated that feeling. I absolutely hated feeling like I was somehow disappointed. So I would try to squash that feeling down. 

Because feeling disappointed meant that I was somehow failing. I was somehow getting it wrong - and I really, really, really couldn’t handle that.

And society has this (absolutely wrong) narrative that no relationship is ‘perfect’ and we should be grateful and quiet with what we have, and not ask for ‘too much’.

So I didn’t let myself feel disappointed. I would squash that feeling down, push it to the back of my mind, and get on with it. Make do. Tell myself that it’s unreasonable for me to expect more, and start channelling ‘gratitude’ .

But the reality is (and was), it wasn’t unreasonable at all.

In my deep desire to make my unpleasant feelings go away, in my bid to quickly find ‘the one’ and settle down and start a family and have it all ‘figured out’, I was quick to squash my real feelings. Suppress my real desires. Hide my true self. And just show up as a more timid, quiet, easily placated version of myself. One that didn’t have lofty demands or desires, and one that would be happy with …with really, what I know now to be, the bare minimum.

I was so hungry to find that love and connection in my life, that I was quick to diminish myself. I truly didn’t want to be too much. And it felt safer and easier to be a more 2-dimensional version of myself in order to get the love that I was seeking, get the relationship, get the partner.

But really, what it comes down to is:

There is nothing wrong with you.

And no, your desires are not too much.

What you want in your deepest heart is not too much.

What you crave and desire is not too much.

Who you are is not too much.

The problem is, in questioning whether you are too much or unreasonable, you are diminishing yourself (and really, self-gaslighting yourself) so that you become smaller. So that you become a fragment of who you really are. 

And from that place, you ARE not enough.

You ARE a smaller, half-baked version of yourself.

So it’s not that you’re too much - it’s that you get yourself caught up into a cycle of being not enough. And then you feel that, and so you feel worse, and so your self esteem plummets and so you squash yourself down even further, and so on so forth.

It’s a vicious cycle.

What is FAR more productive is to recognise and accept from the get go that what you want - that soul-enriching, heart-nourishing, once in a life time soulmate love, IS absolutely available to you - and you are NOT unreasonable or too much to want it.

And in order to get it, you HAVE to show up as your fullest, most authentic, big, expansive, vulnerable, raw, honest self. 

You have to OWN that desire. You have to OWN your needs. You have to OWN what you want.

Because when you OWN what you want from this place - and you refuse to settle for breadcrumbs or someone that just isn’t quite the right fit for you - you allow the right person who WILL meet you where you are at, to arrive into your life.

I mean this truly.

And when the right person arrives into your life, you will WANT to lean in to meet their needs (meaning that you show up even more expansively and boldly and vulnerable and courageously) and they will WANT to lean in to meet yours. 

Because when you are fully embodying who YOU are, from the core, from the inside out and accepting that you ARE a lot, and that is okay because we are all a lot, and the ‘a lot’ness is what makes us vibrant, fully formed, living, breathing, beautiful human beings - then you are able to RECEIVE a lot.

This isn’t some sort of woo woo mumbo jumbo. 

This is the behavioural science of attraction.

It’s not something impossible to achieve.

In fact, it’s arguably easier to achieve than it is to self-gaslight and diminish who you are in order to bend yourself out of shape and squidge into a tiny ‘wrong’ shaped hole that you try to fit into in order to find short term love that feels ‘good’ in the moment but long term leaves you feeling half alive and empty….

You CAN have a relationship where you feel fully alive, fully yourself, fully seen, fully heard, fully present. You CAN have a partner that you respect, cherish, adore, and WANT to lean in to meet the needs of because their needs are so beautifully compatible and nourishing to you. In fact, YOU get nourished by the very act of loving them. 

And it’s not some horrible lose lose situation where you have to pick career or partner, but your partner STRENGTHENS your career. Your partner SUPPORTS your career - and you support theirs. Together you are unstoppable, a strong force, a powerful union that achieve self-actualisation…together.

It is absolutely possible to have a relationship that is your peaceful safe space, your home, and a launchpad for ever more achievement in your life - rather than something draining and full of drama.

When you show up as your FULLEST and you embrace that you ARE a lot, you are a large fully fledged human being with a rich tapestry of needs, desires, hopes, and dreams, and you bring all of these to your relationship - and you attract and allow your partner to bring the same to you - you both show up as vibrant, fully present, fully whole human beings.

From that place, yes, the relationship may require some work and compromise - but you are running from a place of resourced fullness. From a place of authenticity and honesty. From a place of having shown up as your most authentic, best self. So from that place, you are strong. You are vibrant. You are alive.

And doing the relational work becomes easier. It becomes something you want to do. A loving and exciting puzzle to figure out that will enable you to grow in new and exciting ways (because you are bringing your all to it) rather than something draining and diminishing.

The ‘work’ of a relationship becomes a catalyst for MORE vulnerability, MORE growth, more expansiveness, and more you-ness coming out. Because it starts from a place of fullness, authenticity, and you being you - so it invites more of you. And in that place, you can learn more about yourself, you can lean into more of yourself, and ultimately you can grow, mature, wisen, and find even more happiness further down the road. 

When we build relationships from a place of accepting that we ARE a lot, and that is a good thing because we want to bring our whole selves to the relationship - we create safer and more authentic foundations for us to grow together, to become more together, to take up more space and expansiveness together, to evolve more together. And from this place, we are so, so, so much likely to find long term happiness than if we question whether we’re ‘too much’, hide our true selves, bend ourselves like pretzels and show up as a figment of who we really are. 

It’s the same thing as at work. 

You can worry if you’re too much for your career, diminish your ambitions, needs, potential, intellect, and skillset. You can accept a mediocre salary, a junior title, stay small. You can ‘play safe’ and gaslight your dreams. And then what? You attract an employer you will slowly grow to resent and hate, you will diminish any light that you have within, and you will burn out - fast. You will leave in the end, or destroy yourself and your sense of agency. 

Or you can accept your ambition, dreams, desires, intellectual prowess, financial goals, and shoot for the stars. You can aim high and recognise that who you are at your core is an amazing asset to any mission you apply yourself to - and when you show up at your fullest, you are so much more likely to achieve your greatest hopes - and more.

It absolutely is possible to have it all with your relationships. No, you are not too much. I promise you that. My hunch is you’re not showing enough of your ‘too much’ness. 

What would happen if you let go of your fears and showed up more fully to the love in your life? What would change?

DM me with ‘2024’ if this resonates and you want to make this the year you create your ultimate relationship. Because you can!

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