10 Ways to Create Healthy Love

Relationship to OthersRelationship to Self

15 Jan

It’s the 15th January 2024, and that means it’s my birthday.

And as I write this, I already know that this year feels very different to my last.

Something feels quite, quite different.

Aside from the fact that many things in my life have changed in the past 12 months, there’s a more profound change I feel.

As I commit my life and career more and more to the field of love and healthy relationships, my own relationship to myself has been shifting. I’ve noticed that as I continue studying the art of creating long-lasting love on a daily basis, as I devote myself ever more fully to this mission, as I teach clients daily on the principles and practices of creating the ultimate relationship, my own identity is becoming different.

I am becoming more brave, more vulnerable. More clear, more committed to truth. I am becoming more meticulous about the quality of my connections in my life and who I let in into my life. I am becoming more brave in speaking out about what I know to be important, and the truths that I know to be buried in our common cultural psyche. I am becoming more careful about what I concern myself with and the battles I choose to take combat in.

In essence, I am noticing a deepening of love for myself.

Accidentally, inadvertently, just a symptom of immersing myself in this work all day.

And the effects of this are pretty amazing for the rest of my life.

My standards are becoming higher.

My love for my partner is becoming deeper.

My appreciation for all my fortune is becoming greater.

My commitment to my well being is becoming clearer.

My devotion to fostering more love and peace in the world is becoming stronger.

And this makes me so happy.

Because it’s a beautiful irony right? It’s almost a beautiful, selfish, delicious irony.

In the pursuit of being more intentional about love and how I handle love in my life, I am creating more love.

And as I create more love, I am naturally experiencing more love as the rest of my life becomes something that I truly, genuinely, deeply, love.

My year ahead looks so exciting. Scaling and growing my beautiful baby of a business, perfecting my curriculum even further, launching my group coaching to serve as many clients as I can this year, starting on my book… and then there’s building my marriage with my husband, grounding into living our beautiful lives in beautiful Spain, celebrating our families, celebrating our many adventures ahead.

I am so, so, so excited for my next year ahead.

In this newsletter, I wanted to share my 10 biggest love lessons that I’ve gleaned over my 15 years of personal, professional, and academic study.

These make up my own personal Manifesto, my Ultimate Match Method Manifesto that I teach my clients to master. These make up the foundations of any healthy, long-lasting, nourishing, delicious, joyous, meaningful relationship.

Enjoy!

The Ultimate Match Method Manifesto:

Curiosity is our shining beacon: we can use curiosity to inform everything we do in our relationships, from our daily interactions with our partner, to navigating conflict. If we can bring curiosity to everything - especially the things we don’t understand, or the things that trigger us, hurt us, rub us the wrong way, we can save ourselves so much conflict and create space for so much more understanding. It also creates a culture of kindness in the relationship.
Ownership with accountability: we take ownership over our own needs to the best of our abilities, AND at the same time, we take accountability for meeting our partners needs whereever we can. We accept that this is the interdependent dance of healthy and secure relationships. We accept that coming into a relationship comes with responsibilities. Responsibilities to maintain ourselves to be the best selves that we can be with the circumstances that we have and the hands that we have been dealt, AND to maintaining the health of the relationship by tending to the needs of our partner as best as we can.
Beginner's mind: we treat each day as a new opportunity to rediscover each other, start afresh, to create new opportunities for connection and growth, and to deepen our love. It is never too late to stop a negative cycle in its tracks, to turn things around, to renew our vows to each other and start again.
Growth mindset: each conflict and trigger is an opportunity for healing. Once we understand relational healing, we understand how each trigger and conflict can help us evolve. This is the premise of loving consciously. If we can accept that the triggers that come up with our partner are there to help us deepen our own self love and evolve into an even better version of ourselves, everything changes.
Kindness is our mantra: we can choose to be right or we can choose to be kind. There is no life long partnership when both parties are seeking to always be right. You must both always seek to be kind.
100/100 effort: no one wins when we are both putting in 50% which is the bare minimum, and leaves us both keeping score. We both win when we put in 100% each and the relationship overflows with all the good stuff. If you can assume that everything ‘wrong’ in your relationship is in fact, your fault (or even play that mind game with yourself) and if your partner is doing the same, then both of your efforts to solve the issues will transform things within a heartbeat. Stop playing the victim and complaining about them. Assume it’s you, do the changes, do the work, and watch it transform. You’ll feel a LOT better for it.
We don’t take things personally: we accept it’s not always about us. When our partner comes to us with a complaint, we accept that the complaint is their experience and reality and it is valid. We can hear their complaint without personalising it and making it about us. Detaching with love is one of the greatest skills you can master.
Assume positive intent: if we are in a loving relationship, we can and should assume that our partner has positive intent in all their endeavours with us. We are with them for a reason. If we cannot assume positive intent - we are with the wrong person or need to seriously look at the connection we are in.
Open-hearted honesty will always win: radical honesty can be cruel, whilst hiding our truths can lead to deception and misunderstanding. Staying within our hearts, and communicating our honest truth from there, is the best way forward. Stay kind, stay honest, and express from the heart. Always.
Prioritise the relationship: there are always three entities in any relational dynamic: person 1, person 2, and the relationship itself. The relationship needs to be held in utmost importance if it is to survive. Sometimes you have to compromise and sacrifice on your own needs and desires in order to prioritise and preserve the relationship. This is a noble act of long term, loving relationships. When we can both put the health and wellbeing of the relationship first, even if we’re hurting, struggling, or unsure, the relationship will win.