"Am I asking for too much from my partner?" Here's why that's the wrong question to be asking.

If your partner is doing (or not doing) something that bothers you and you really wish would change, you might worry that you're asking for too much, or that you two are fundamentally incompatible.

But chances are good that you're NOT asking for too much, and this thing that's bothering you isn't really a huge marker of incompatibility.

What's more likely true is that deep down, you don't feel worthy of this thing that you want from your partner.

And because you don't feel worthy of your desire, you haven't communicated it to your partner in a way that's clear enough for them to "really get it" (including why it's important to you, and clear instructions on how to fulfill it).

Now, let's be clear. If what you want from your partner is something huge, like converting religions or becoming polyamorous when you were previously monogamous, then we might need to question whether you're asking for too much.

But 9 times out of 10, when my clients tell me what they desire from their partner, I hear pretty reasonable and fair requests - things like deeper conversations, having the partner show more interest in their work and listen to what's on their mind, better sexual connection, and so forth.

Now, that's not to say that the partner won't struggle with the request. They might. It may not come naturally to them. It may feel like a stretch.

And the scope of the request might need to be negotiated (e.g., does your partner actually need to quit their job and work with you in your business, or will you be happy if they ask questions about it over dinner?).

Yes, there will be limits to what they can do and sometimes these will be deal breakers when the partner cannot extend themselves to what you need…which can indeed lead to a break up and reveal incompatibility.

But 9 times out of 10, even the most stubborn partners, if they love you, and they understand the ‘why’ of what it is that you need, and they have clear instructions on how to do it, then they generally will try to adapt their behaviors to meet those needs.

So you need to communicate clearly… and before you can do that, you need to believe deep down that you're worthy of having what you desire, and stop second-guessing it.

The truth is, a lot of humans have challenges with worthiness.

To feel ‘unworthy’ is a huge core ‘wound’, a past pain that many folks developed from a very young age in their childhood.

What I mean by ‘core wound’ is an experience from your childhood that shapes your identity and behavior. We develop core wounds as children when we have needs that don’t get met.

These become internalised and we form beliefs about ourselves based on the emotions and sensations.

To feel unworthy is a core wound like this.

It can develop quite innocently - and there are lots of other ‘cover wounds’ you would have developed throughout your childhood without realising it.

It can be as simple as your parents were repeatedly too busy to tend to your cries, because they were working long hours, and so as a little child, you felt emotional neglect and pain, and the internalised belief you made about yourself is that you are somehow not worthy of receiving their love. And so, thus, you believed you are unworthy.

If left unexamined, this becomes something you carry around with you for the rest of your life.

You experience yourself as perpetually unworthy, on a deep subconscious level, and this is your fundamental worldview. You see everything through this lens.

You won’t even know you have this core wound because it feels so intrinsically true to you.

And so if you believe on a deep down, unconscious, subconscious, level, that you are somehow unworthy (and have believed this from childhood) then you will second-guess your requests and desires.

You will wonder if they are too much, or excessive, or unreasonable.

Because you will feel on a deep down level, that everything you ask for is somehow above what you are worthy of having.

Make sense?

So it’s actually almost always nothing about what you are asking for, generally speaking.

And it’s MUCH more about the core wounds that you have deep down that are preventing you from trusting yourself, and feeling confident and secure in getting what you need.

So the main focus for you needs to be first and foremost on asking:

What are my core wounds around getting my needs met?

And then clearing that core wound of feeling unworthy (along with any others you discover), so that you can ask for what you need with confidence and self-trust.

Once you’ve done that, you will also have much more headspace and inner peace to actually articulate what it is specifically that you need - because your head is less filled with worries about being unworthy and doubting yourself.

And, you’re also much more free and liberated to get creative with finding ways to solve for that need - strategies that your partner can hear and actually work with.

Plus, when you’re no longer bothered by core wounds, and you stop doubting yourself and what it is that you need, you can actually communicate it to your partner in a way that they can hear - because you’re clearer, more articulate, more calm, more confident.

It’s always far easier for your partner to meet your needs when you articulate them from a grounded, centred, calm and confident place, than when you communicate them from an insecure, flustered, doubtful and wounded place.

So it’s not that your career has changed you, or spoiled you, or that you’ve outgrown your partner somehow.

It’s that you’re just getting to the real truth of who you are and what you need, which happens with time as you get closer to each other, and you are hitting a roadblock - the block of feeling unworthy.

And this is what needs solving for, first and foremost.

If you want help with solving for this yourself, then I’d love to help you.

Because clearing blocks like these is my favourite thing to do with clients!

In my 90 day program, we start out by identifying what blocks you have - including the unworthiness wound - and then I teach you how to clear them easily and effortlessly.

Once they’re gone, you become free to see your relationship so much more clearly and ask for what you need with full confidence and conviction, trusting that what you mare asking for is in fact reasonable.

I also help you ideate strategies to get these needs met, and learn how to communicate them to your partner in a way that they can actually hear.

If you want to dive in, book a consultation call with me and tell me about where you’re at in your relationship and where you’d like to get to.

Then if it makes sense, we can jump on a call and connect to create a gameplan for you.