The death sentence to your happiness and marriage

I was talking to a client of mine about his ex-wife, and he mentioned something so interesting to me that in a single sentence, encapsulated the root of why that marriage failed:

“I didn’t want to end up in another fight”.

The reason his marriage ended?

Because he kept repeatedly pushing down how he really felt, what he really needed, and what was really important to him.

He ‘didn’t want another fight’.

His experience of telling his wife what he wanted and needed back then was such that…well, he stopped doing it.

She was a wonderful woman that he deeply loved, his ‘best friend’ and someone he respected and valued. Yet he realized very early on in their relationship that he didn’t like conflict, he didn't like arguments, and that is what would happen when he would ask her for something.

When he tried to tell her that he was upset with something, like the fact she hadn’t called him when she said she would when she was visiting her family, and he had spent all night worrying if she was okay, or that he needed help with something like a little more understanding that he had to travel a lot for work, or trying to explain that he needed her to give him a bit of space and patience with his mojo when he was exhausted after a long week -

Or even when he would tell her that he simply craved a little bit more intimacy and gentle touch in their connection, not even sexually, but just a little bit more care or physical tenderness in how she treated him - less roommate and more man she loved and desired...

It would lead to an argument.

She would get defensive. Take it personally. Feel criticized. Get angry. Volatile. Jealous.

And he hated it.

It would fill him with panic. His blood would run cold. Fear would coarse through him.

And he’d feel frustrated.

She wasn’t hearing him.

She wasn’t getting him.

She was jumping to a totally different conclusion.

And it wasn’t going anywhere.

And so, of course, he learned to start avoiding it.

Trying to talk to her wasn’t going to help - she kept taking things personally. She’d take it as a criticism. And then the argument would start.

And truthfully, as someone working 50+ hour weeks at least, with tons of pressure and responsibility at work, the mortgage on his shoulders, the demands of his endless emails on his phone, he just didn’t want to go there.

So he did, what most career-driven people do: he started to avoid the issue.

Working late into the night, focusing on his kids, and getting out the house to get in front of clients felt much more rewarding.

Which of course, gave him a much higher ROI of feeling good. Immediate gratification, a sense of success.

So of course, what happened next is what happens with virtually every disconnected and lonely professional I meet.

He started to ignore that inner voice within, and shut it down.

He started to subconsciously actively avoid spending time alone where he’d be left with his own thoughts – about the marriage, about how he was feeling, about his needs.

He started working out more, going to the gym.

He started spending more time on social media, scrolling LinkedIn. He even found himself connecting with a few women on there, though obviously not looking to do anything wrong or immoral, they just seemed to have interesting careers - and his career was giving him life.

Before he knew it, years had passed by.

The arguments had diminished and things were generally stable at home.

He was even able to perform at times and feign feeling fine.

He did feel fine.

Things were fine.

But over the years, as he grew more and more quiet in that relationship, holding back more and more of what it was that he truly needed, wanted, yearned for and felt…

…he inevitably began to feel more and more alone.

And more and more disconnected.

Eventually what happened to him is what happens to most folks who fail to address the issue in this actually very dire situation.

In my experience, they either continue to ignore their disconnect until it becomes too unbearable, and then they leave their partner of their own volition - partly because they step up and realise that they do deserve more and partly because working on that marriage feels like a mountain too high to climb. They quit.

Or they slip into infidelity.

Yes, even the best of people, the best of clients, the most kind and moral folks out there, slip into it. Whether it’s through the internet and a virtual connection or a colleague, a friend, or someone that they already know.

For this client, he began to notice himself developing feelings for a work colleague. She was fun, bubbly, and attractive. He trusted her. She seemed to respect him and accept him as he was, and she made work trips all the more rewarding.

When he began to notice these feelings, he realised that his marriage was failing.

And so, whilst so many folks will stay in that marriage and continue exploring that other connection (some for years on end), he decided to make his exit and file for divorce.

He told his wife about how he was feeling towards his colleague, and after the most volatile and terrifying argument of his life, he left.

The most heartbreaking thing of all of this, though, isn’t the kids that were in the middle of it all. Nor the breakup itself.

But the fact that this could all have been avoided had he simply worked on his tolerance for conflict, and disappointing her - and worked on his capacity to hold uncomfortable feelings and stand his ground.

Had he expanded his capacity to dig deep into his heart and tell the truth of what he needed, even if she didn't like it. So that he wouldn’t run away. So that he wouldn’t falter.

Had he learned how to communicate in such a way that she WOULD hear it. In a kind way. In a generous way. In a way that would give her space to soften, receive his truth, and work with him on it.

All of this could have very much likely been avoided had he started addressing the issue rather than avoiding it.

And of course, by the time he came to me, it was too late to save that marriage - though not too late to help him find happiness again. And this time, a long-lasting type.

If you resonate with any of this story and want to step up to liberate yourself and gain what you deserve in life, then I can absolutely help you.

In my 1:1 or group container, we will do the deep inner work together to help you overcome your fear of conflict, your sense of loneliness, and help you reconnect with your deepest needs - as well as learn how to communicate them and stand in your own innate power.

You will become exponentially happier, better, and more empowered in the process as the most secure version of yourself.