Why dating is a waste of time

Dating is a waste of time.

If you’re a successful, smart, ambitious single executive or entrepreneur - it’s a waste of time.

And I say that, as a relationship coach who helps these folks - men and women - typically between 35 - 55 years old - to find healthy, secure, meaningful love.

Yes, dating is a waste of time.

When I hear people say: ‘Dating is just a numbers game’, and ‘you have to just keep putting yourself out there and eventually you’ll find your person’, all I hear is….

Avoidance. And irresponsibility.  

I learned this the hard way.

When I was 32, everything in my life imploded from within.

I had to call off my engagement. I had to call off my wedding. I had to sell my home. I lost my friends. 

In the end, I decided to leave the country.

Everything that I thought I knew, and everything that I had worked so hard to create with so much conviction, dedication, and belief, fell apart.

I’d spent my 20s building my career, and building connections. I enjoyed figuring out who I was, what I wanted, and the type of relationship that would work for me. 

No pressure. 

I didn’t worry about biological clocks, or divorce, or legal battles, or whether things would work out for me long term.

I just knew that I had time on my side because I was young - and because I was successful at virtually everything else in my life, I knew I’d figure this out too. Doesn’t everyone?

I had no doubt in my mind.

It felt easy. It felt fun. It felt like one big adventure.

Of course, over time, I had had enough bad dates and breakups that I’d written out endless checklists of who I wanted, my ‘type’, my ‘ideal match’. I’d read blogs, binged on Matthew Hussey’s podcasts, talked to friends and family at length about my experiences.

Yet I felt pretty confident. 

In fact, I felt great. I knew that eventually I’d meet my person and it would all work out for me.

And in many ways it did. 

Exactly what I had been doing, worked.

I did meet someone that ticked all my boxes. 

I did meet someone that gave me a blissfully picture perfect relationship. 

I did meet someone that fulfilled my wants, my desires, for a partnership.

But once I was in it, I found that familiar sense of anxiety creeping in. 

Permeating my days. 

Feeling unsettled. Unsafe. Insecure. Questioning. 

Lying awake at night, blinking into the dark, thinking: “Is this it? What’s wrong with me? Why am I not…more happy? More at peace? More fulfilled?”

And the truth of the matter is, once I called off that engagement and started dating again, all those months later, I found myself still asking myself the same questions.

What’s wrong with me?

Why am I feeling so alone?

Why don’t I feel that spark with anyone?

Why is this so hard?

Maybe there’s something wrong with me?

That’s when I realised I was doing things wrong.

That’s when, on a wintery walk with a friend, it dawned on me that I had never actually experienced true intimacy. Not with my ex - not with anyone really. 

That’s when it dawned on me that I had always been hiding on some level, masking my true self, my true needs, and staying small. 

I hadn’t been speaking up. I hadn’t been revealing myself. I hadn’t even known what I needed to reveal. 

I didn’t even know who I really was.

Let alone what I needed. Or who I needed in my life.

Whilst the revelation was painful and uncomfortable, that’s when I started to dig deep. 

I went beneath the veneer. 

I went beneath the surface.

I went beneath the picture-perfect manicured version of myself that I put out there to the world.

And I started to explore the depths and crevices of who I am. 

Of my core wounds.

Of my core limiting beliefs.

Of my core painful stories. 

And whilst I had done therapy for 15 years already, and figured “I’m fine, there’s not much more I need to heal”, boy was I wrong. 

I was 31 and a total psychology junkie that was just that…a junkie.

I’d read everything yet only never embodied it.

I’d studied things yet never practiced them.

I’d ‘known’ the theory but never integrated it.

And so I’d actually spent my 20s dating new people trying to find the One, even getting engaged, but in fact just re-creating the same wounded dynamic from my childhood that I had never really fully addressed.

I hadn’t really gone there. 

And so I went there.

I stopped dating.

I paused. 

I focused on myself and looked at how I related to men. 

I went deep into the parts of myself that I’d otherwise been afraid to venture into.

I looked at my shame. 

I looked at my pain.

I looked at myself in full - unfiltered, unmanicured, raw. 

And I did the inner work. 

I learned the behavioral science of what I needed to do to ‘heal’ in relation to myself and others, and I dove in. 

And what I learned was: 

Only when I had dug deep and got fully aligned with who I am at my core - the shadow, the dark side, the parts of myself that I’d been afraid of before - only when I accepted my core self, and made space for my full soul to step up and be seen - in all her shining glory - was I able to call in the right person for me.

And I wasn’t dating when I met him. 

I was dancing at a music festival, on my own, having a blast with a Black Cherry White Claw in my hand actually. 

I wasn’t looking for him. I wasn’t trying. I wasn’t forcing things. Or pretending. Or putting myself out there. Or doing a numbers game. 

I was just being.

And because I was being from a place of deep alignment with my core, with my spirit, with who I am.

I wasn’t pretending.

I wasn’t hiding.

I wasn’t forcing anything.

I was totally, utterly, and wildly free. 

Free as my authentic, genuine, honest self. 

And that’s when it all changed for me. 

That’s when it all happened for me.

That’s when the happiness and connection I’d been seeking my whole life flowed organically into my life. 

So I realised that dating - dating around - is not the answer. 

Going within and aligning with who you are at your core, embracing your shadow self, and getting deeply clear on what you need to be happy in this life - is the answer.

From this place, everything else will align so originally and easefully into your life.

Without pressure, without coercion, without fear and force. 

And your best relationship will happen here.

Everything is easier from this place. 

Everything is more beautiful.

Everything is more magical.

Allow yourself to truly you, and it will happen.

If this sounds like something you want and need for yourself, you can learn more about my methodology and how I can help you with my free training.

In this training, I cover the behavioral science of attraction, how it works, and how you can start taking steps to heal your love life and find your life partner today.