Why do hardworking high achievers struggle so much with relationships?

Throughout my coaching with hardworking high achievers – founders, executives, PhDs, senior researchers, VPs of sales and so on – I’ve seen many of the same patterns.

Everyone is generally very successful at their work. Work-life balance may be laughable at times, but it’s there. Salaries are pretty good. Friendship circles to keep us social. Family is fine. Career might not be perfect but good enough for now. 

Sure, some people want to pivot and figure out their next steps. Of course, some folks are fatigued and sick of their grind. 

But generally speaking, things are for the most part, fine. 

There’s just one crucial thing that keeps coming up.

Loneliness. 

Not existential, soul destroying, gaping maw of loneliness, no. Friends and family abound, work relationships are good. Rather, I mean a deeper loneliness. A loneliness from within. A loneliness that murmurs feelings of being misunderstood. Feeling unseen, unheard, and misjudged. Finding things hard and more than  a little overwhelming. Slight despair. Perhaps a bit of panic. 

For those that are single, there’s a quiet, burning ache to find a partner. A longing, a yearning, a desire to find that connection. Dates can feel fun and can be exciting, but they rarely really scratch that itch. Rarely do they bring the deep connection that we crave. They’re okay though, the people seem nice, and we feel like we’re making some progress by getting out there. In the back of our minds though, we wonder – is this it? 

For those that are in a relationship, we do our best to navigate the pressures of work-life balance with our beloved. We try to prioritise time together whilst navigating the tumult of international travel, work conferences, late night meetings, sales targets, or fundraising hell. We argue and have conflicts, but we try to avoid them where we can – which becomes a pressure cooker for destruction in the long term, but what else can we do? 

At work, we find folks generally okay. If we’re a founder, our co-founder relationship is fine though we have our own inefficiencies and areas for growth. Managing teams is okay but not exactly fun because we don’t know if we’re doing a good job. We like our peers but we have no idea whether we could be doing better, leading stronger, or making more impact. We get by.

The repeated theme here of relationship struggles is one that resonates with me.

As a classic type A, I’ve always prided myself on being successful in my career, getting my ducks in a row with my life – the home, the promotion, the lovely city that I live in, the friendship circle, the lifestyle. I put myself out there, I was outgoing…I felt like I could talk to anyone. 

When it came to connecting to folks on a deep, genuine, authentic level though, I struggled. Not with friends. Friends were always fine. I felt safer in being my more vulnerable, honest self. Work was also okay, though I often struggled with managers (who here likes micro-management?).

It was dating that was a nightmare. An endless sea of confusion, effort, trying something different, reading blogs online, listening to podcasts, and casting out to sea to find another fish. Ostensibly it looked like I was having a blast. But inside I felt hollow. After dates I’d come home drained. After a night of drinking wine with my friends I’d find myself crying on my couch, wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

That’s not to say I wasn’t ostensibly successful. I eventually found someone and got engaged. Externally, I seemingly had it all. But the outside facade still wasn’t what I needed deep down to feel truly, honestly fulfilled. 

Why?

Well, there’s a myriad of factors at play. As an overachiever, we are often ultra rational, logical, smart and focused – which, whilst fantastic qualities in life, can get in the way of intimacy and connection. We often also think that we can do it all alone, grind our way through, and figure it out ourselves. So we waste years of our lives struggling and making mistakes, when really asking for help would have got us to where we want to be so much faster. 

Perhaps the most pertinent one here though, is that as hard working high achievers, we actually are quite good at getting things done and reaching our goals. 

We build our lives around what we should be doing to be successful at work, in finances, in social circles. We know precisely what we need to do to win. 

But do we really know what we need to feel happy?

No. No one ever asks us that. How can we possibly know what we need?

We know what we ‘want’. We know what we should want to be successful. But we almost never know what we need. And that, my friends, is how you end up engaged or married to someone who looks great on paper but leaves you wondering why something feels off.

This is where coaching comes into play. 

I’ve been extremely lucky to have worked and trained under some of the best relationship coaches, therapists, and behavioural scientists in my own journey over the last 15 years. Now I’m focusing on helping others learn the same.  

I believe that I have created something new and revitalizing with my coaching. I want to help hardworking high achievers build relationships that are as successful as the rest of their lives. Because that’s where I’ve got to – after a false start with that first engagement – and I absolutely know it’s where we all deserve to be. I promise you, as I write this sitting across from my fiancé on a hot September afternoon, that it’s worth it getting here.

I’m launching a 12 coaching week program that I’m excited to share more about. Stay tuned for more.

And until then? Message me to chat if any of the above resonates - I would love to hear from you.