"Why am I so unhappy?" Whether it's your marriage or your career, it's likely not why you think.
When you feel a bit unfulfilled with your marriage, your career, or both - the reason is often that you’re not getting what you really NEED in those parts of your life.
And that’s because you don’t KNOW what you really need, because you’re disconnected from your needs. You’ve ignored them for years most likely.
It’s a very common thing for successful, ambitious professionals to do.
Because thing is, your needs and your wants are two very different things.
What you want is typically going to be along the lines of:
I want to have a 9 figure exit in my business
I want a yacht
I want that mansion
I want to have lots of passionate intimacy with my partner
I want to leave a legacy
I want my kids to go to the best schools and have the best future
And that’s all great, don’t get me wrong.
Nothing wrong with being aspirational.
But the problem is, these are proxies to what you actually really need.
Let me explain…
The difference between what you need and what you want comes down to the necessary things that drive your sense of being happy, fulfilled, and authentically YOU on a deep, core, spiritual level…
And what you want from a more superficial ego level.
What you need stems from the soul, the heart, the essential core of who YOU are:
These include things like a sense of connection, love, belonging. Feeling wanted, accepted. Seen, heard, understood.
A sense of growth, a sense of healthy uncertainty (adventure, discovery, possibility).
A sense of certainty, safety, stability.
A sense of importance, value, status.
A sense of contribution, meaning, purpose.
Without these ‘core needs’ your life will feel unstable, unfulfilling, and hard.
YOU will also feel quite insecure without them.
And without these needs met, you will find yourself grasping outside of yourself for others to meet them for you.
(Hello, neediness)
Now, in turn, what you want is something that is more of a desire, a superficial ego thing that makes you feel good (often temporarily).
Think quick dopamine hits and a sense of superiority. That’s the ego talking.
These can be like what I mentioned earlier - a bigger house, luxury items, a multi million dollar company.
It could be feeling like you’re a big shot, popular, famous.
Maybe lots of approval and admiration from others.
Wealth, status, certain lifestyle choices that feel prestigious.
It could also be aesthetic - height, hair colour, bodily features like a cute button nose or slim waist for a woman, or rugged, strong, tall appearance for men. Whatever it is.
The problem is, most people mistake wants for needs.
And most high achievers have buried their needs beneath their wants!
This is a recipe for total disaster and dissatisfaction in your life.
Because the reality is, chasing that big exit, getting that Masters degree, appearing on TV, writing that book, owning that mansion, private jet, whatever it is, will definitely feel good…short term
So will dating or marrying the hot wife, or the handsome husband
But if your core needs aren’t getting met…
That need for safety, love, acceptance, belonging, growth…and so on
And if you don’t even KNOW what your needs are..
You’re going to be grasping around in the dark trying to fill the void with ‘things’ and proxies which lead you..nowhere, really.
They’re just a distraction.
So if you’re craving more success in your business, what you LIKELY really need beneath it is more self-worth.
When you’re chasing wealth, what you really need is likely to feel that you are good enough, some security and a sense of safety within yourself.
When you’re clutching for that ‘perfect’ relationship or partner, what you really need is more self-love and self-acceptance.
And the problem with most high achievers is that they’ve buried their needs.
Now, this may all seem really obvious.
And in a way it is.
We know that the Rolls Royce isn’t going to give you inner peace, right?
But the irony is that most smart high achievers have buried their needs so much, right from childhood, because they have a fundamental belief that they somehow aren’t WORTHY of having their needs met
Nor are they SAFE to be vulnerable enough to connect with them
Nor good enough to get them
Which is heartbreaking, but a core root cause of why so many high achievers like yourself (and me) spend decades chasing ‘things’ feeling empty and hollow and anxious
Now the good thing is, you can actually change all of this - quite fast.
We know from endless studies that true fulfillment comes from meeting your true, core needs first—so that what you WANT is just a nice bonus, a nice addition, not a desperate pursuit.
And when you meet your core needs, you actually stop benign so needy and critical with your partner
Meaning you have a better relationship
And feel more satisfied there
As well as your career - because that horrible anxious pressure is gone.
All you need to do is:
Identify and remove the blocks to tapping into your true needs
Develop productive and sustainable strategies to get your needs met
I can help you with both of these very quickly.
There’s tons of science behind how we can do this in a structured, systematic, and easeful way - which is what I’m all about.
In my 90 day program, this is a core focus of our time together (amongst other things that will help you become more happy and secure in yourself and your relationship - and career).
If you’d like to learn more, book a call with me.
