4 things that will explain how your relationships will pan out...
You’ve mastered your work life. You’ve built structure, predictability, control.
You’ve got your money, your home, your set up -
Buuuuut your love life doesn’t seem to be as straightforward.
Maybe you’ve found yourself in relationships where you felt smothered, drained, or suffocated - despite loving the person.
Maybe you’re now married to them and find yourself really enjoying your space, or sleeping in separate beds (because you work long hours, right? ;) )
Or maybe you’ve been the one doing all the chasing, showing up more, doing more, giving them more …and essentially constantly trying to prove you’re enough for someone who never quite met you halfway. Yikes.
Or maybe you’ve felt generally fine - until intimacy started to deepen… and then you pulled away. And now you’re in a committed relationship, and you find yourself moving between wanting to be with them and feeling good, and then wanting to burn things down to the ground and get away from it all.
My friends, this is not random, nor is it just your “bad luck” - or something you can’t control.
(And it’s definitely not just your partner’s fault.)
This is attachment theory at its finest - one of the most well-researched and accurate frameworks for understanding adult relationships.
And the one I specialize in and love to bring to my clients.
Because once you understand your own attachment style, your entire relationship history starts to make sense - and you get to make smart decisions on whether to stay or go, and what the heck to do next in your romantic relationship.
Here’s how it shows up:
1. Anxious attachment
“I feel anxious unless I’m very sure about how someone feels and I value a lot of reassurance.”
People with this style tend to worry about abandonment and crave closeness - but in a way that often feels overwhelming to the other person. They may be hyper-attuned to shifts in tone, energy, or attention. They chase connection but often feel like it slips through their fingers.
This is because they learned early on that love wasn’t always consistent - so now they expect it to disappear.
This was me, by the way, for most of my life. Papa was traveling a lot for work, so guess who got abandonment issues as a kid? Yup - moi.
2. Dismissive avoidant attachment
“I feel safest when I’m in control, independent, or alone.”
Avoidantly attached individuals value independence and may shut down when things get too emotional or uncertain. They get overwhelmed when things get “heavy”. They often feel suffocated in close relationships, even if part of them craves connection. Their partners may describe them as detached, emotionally unavailable, or “hard to reach.”
This style is extremely common among high performers - especially those who learned early on that self-reliance was the only safe option.
And yes, these are the folks who sleep in separate beds.
3. Fearful-avoidant attachment
“I do want connection - but it doesn’t feel safe.”
This is the most complex attachment style, and often the most painful. Also the one I was stuck with for about a year. People with fearful-avoidant attachment carry both deep fears of abandonment and deep fears of intimacy. They crave closeness - but when it starts to happen, they panic (think - the guy who chases the girl but then runs when he gets the girl). They may become hot-and-cold, emotionally unpredictable, or shut down altogether.
This style often develops in people who experienced emotional volatility or mixed signals growing up - where love was present, but inconsistent or unsafe.
Now, in adult relationships, they struggle to trust their partner or themselves.
For high-functioning professionals, this can be masked by achievement and control.
But underneath that, there’s often a push-pull dynamic: a longing for intimacy, and a reflex to run from it the moment it feels real. I think this is why I was a job hopper for a lot of my 20s - I wanted the teammates but I didn’t like obeying authority.
4. Secure attachment
“I can enjoy closeness without losing myself.”
These individuals are able to maintain a sense of self and emotional connection. Hurrah! This is what I have become over the years. They communicate needs clearly, stay steady in conflict, and don’t spiral when intimacy increases.
This is the goal - but it’s not where most people naturally land, especially if they’ve had painful or inconsistent relationship dynamics in the past.
So… why does this matter?
Because your attachment style isn’t just about love.
It’s how you’re wired and it explains your default behavior in high-stakes emotional situations.
It determines:
Who you’re attracted to
What you tolerate
When you withdraw
And how long you stay in relationships that don’t feel right
And here’s what I see over and over with my clients—especially those at the top of their game professionally:
They’re avoidant in ways they never realized, because closeness has never felt safe.
They’ve built their entire lives on certainty, logic, control.
So when a relationship brings up fear, emotion, need… they shut it down, rationalise it, or silently drift away.
Meanwhile, their partner may be anxious - pushing for connection in ways that feel invasive or exhausting.
And thus, this is how so many high-level couples get stuck. They’re not inherently wrong for each other. They’re just running two entirely different sets of wiring.
And unfortunately, this doesn’t fix itself.
BUT - the good news is - once you understand the pattern, you can stop reacting - and start leading your relationship with a little bit more intention.
And even better, if you’re committed to having the best relationship of your dreams, you can rewire yourself to BECOME secure - in as fast as 90 days.
So if you’re in a relationship that feels strained, disconnected, or confusing right now… Don’t take it as a fact that you’re doomed somehow - rather, it’s a sign to examine the wiring underneath.
Attachment styles shift when the wiring shifts - when you overcome your core blocks, release emotional baggage, learn how to trust yourself, express your needs clearly, and create relational safety that feels healthy and happy for you.
That’s the work I do with clients - scientifically, and systematically.
If you’re successful in every area except your relationship, then I can help you :)
I’ve got space for 2 private clients before the waitlist starts again.
Message me directly if you want to understand your pattern and build something that finally works.
