What’s wrong with me? Everything I tried to find a partner.

I remember like it was yesterday, two vivid, painful memories.

One was straight after I ended my first engagement. I was lying in bed, inside the apartment nestled in the mountains that we’d just bought, with my mother visiting from England to offer me support. I couldn’t sleep. Eyes wide open, blinking in the dark, I could feel panic flood my body as I heard my heart beating loudly, physically clenching in pain. The heartache was so excruciatingly real. As tears streamed down my face, I physically couldn’t imagine my future. Everything felt heavy and dark. I didn’t know how I’d ever move forward, let alone find love again. I felt ready to give up.

The other was a few years earlier. I’d moved to the beautiful city of Vancouver, and with my nice 6 figure salary at a stellar company, got myself a plush new apartment with high ceilings, but dating was a nightmare. My mother was visiting to see my new place and I bursted into tears, telling her that I was finding it really, really hard. No matter how good things seemed, I couldn’t figure out dating. Everyone seemed just…wrong for me. I hated it. And I couldn’t figure out what the hell was wrong with me. 

“Just take a break from dating - you’re exhausted,” she said. 

“I can’t. I want children. I don’t have time to waste. I have to keep going.” 

I felt depleted, defeated, and confused.

But the reality is, we’ve almost all been there. How many of us have come home after dinner parties with friends feeling both exhilarated and happy at a lovely evening out, but also choking back that aching, throbbing pain of being the only single person there? How many of us have gone on dates with someone that seemed ostensibly great on paper, but felt that pang of disappointment when we realise that there’s just no connection? That sense of fatigue when you find yourself reinstalling dating apps for the umpteenth time, mindlessly swiping. Saying yes to everyone. Saying no to everyone. Being open minded. Raising our standards. Being experimental. Being discerning. Singles nights, speed dating, networking, conferences, being set up, websites…we’ve likely tried most things. And it is exhausting.

Some of the things that I have tried (and my sense of how useful they were):

1) Meeting people through friends

• A great idea but sadly by the time we’re in our 30s, most people are coupled up and/or people we wouldn’t necessarily want to mix with at risk of souring our long-term friendships. 

2) Online apps (of course)

• Generally can be very effective – this is how I met my first fiance. Downside is that there’s a lot of jaded folks out there (I mean who isn’t), a lot of fake profiles, a lot of liars (how many men lied about their university degrees and accolades to me is beyond me), a lot of unhealthy folks fresh from break ups looking for rebounds, a lot of fish for some reason, and a lot of filters – literal and figurative.

  There is certainly validity in online apps but making them your sole strategy is risky. 

3) Joint social events/groups

• Hiking, yoga, meditation, rowing, wine groups…I tried lots of these. Great ways to meet friends, but my problem was that:

  a) High value dating potentials are generally very busy with their work, friends, and family already. Activities they do with these folks.

  b) These events tend to bring a lot of women. I made some great friends and had some laughs, but after a while the pang of coming home feeling disappointed yet again that I’d spent $40 on a single yoga class that I didn’t really need to do because I can do yoga perfectly well at home and was really only doing it to meet someone…I felt a bit disillusioned.

  Don’t get me wrong, I got lots of value from these activities but I wouldn’t recommend them just for the purpose of meeting a partner.

4) The gym

• Ah, Equinox. How you saved my skin after a bad breakup. Equinox was a game changer for creating community for me, a sense of safety and belonging – I had a place to go to with a lovely lifestyle brand and like-minded people. Did I meet people here? Yes. Have I heard of couples pairing up at the gym before? Yes. Did it work for me long-term though? No. Trying to strike up a conversation with folks at the gym is tricky and the men that were adept at doing this were…well, I think chatting up everyone.

  So no, this didn’t work for me. But it might for you?

5) Being set up / a blind date

• Back to point 1 – most folks in my peer group were taken at the age of 30+ and those that weren’t were either not for me or already a good friend. This might work but I’d imagine by the age of 30+ you already know a lot of your friends’ friends and circles are smaller. Might work for some larger networks though. 

6) House parties 

• Historically a great way to meet folks and probably still are. Problem is, the older we get, the odder it is to throw a giant house party. Dinner parties or smaller gatherings are more conventional and ‘age appropriate’ but generally speaking these bring less people and as per point 1, most folks are likely coupled up already.

7) Networking & conferences

• Ah, networking. How many events did I go to for Oxford/Cambridge graduates, Ivy League reunions, entrepreneur events, founder conferences, and tech events with a focus on some sort of business progression but also, I hate to admit, a little glimmer of hope that I might meet someone. Just quietly, sitting there, scanning men’s hands for wedding bands (or lack thereof). Terrible.

  Good in theory, there’s lots of great partner potential there, but ultimately confusing and demoralising.

8) Work 

• The statistics around how many people meet in the workplace are compelling, but do you really want to do that? Workplace relationships may be inevitable but they can be messy, risky, and lead to one of you having to resign. Not ideal. To be avoided, if possible.

9) LinkedIn 

• Yes, even LinkedIn has its fair share of folks looking for dates. In all seriousness, I did once meet a date through networking at a company I wanted to work at. It didn’t work out, and when I later joined that company, I started the job on an extremely awkward footing. Could be great, but could also be exhausting and time consuming – how can you know who is single? Or even worse, married and hiding it?!

All of these could work for you and there are other ways too. I met my fiancé whilst dancing at a music festival (I guess that’s number 3), though I’d gone there alone and with zero intention to find anyone. I just wanted to have a great time. And I did! 

What’s more important is doing the inner work necessary to pave the way for that partnership. 

In the end, nothing was ‘wrong’ with me but I was certainly going ‘wrong’ with my methods. 

This work is about getting clear on what your dating patterns and limiting beliefs are. What your core needs, values, and non-negotiables are. What your masculine and feminine energies, attachment style, and general life fulfilment desires are. And then learning psychologically proven healthy dating practices and putting them into practice.

The truth is there is a lot of work to do to gear us up to be able to find our match – and rarely does anyone give us a clear and concise way of doing it. It certainly doesn't happen entirely ‘by chance’.

That’s precisely why I’ve created my 12 week program to pave the path to your partner. I’ve amalgamated and synthesised all my 15 years of behavioural science experience, relational work, learnings, teachings, and training into a digestible and proven methodology. I only wish I’d had this system myself – it would have saved me a lot of heartache.

Looking to meet your forever partner? Email me.