How do I stop self-sabotaging?

The final stage of my four pillar system on Transformative Connections to help you achieve transformation in your life – whether it’s your relationship, career, health or something else – is called Protect. More specifically, to protect yourself - from yourself, from others, and from all the dark forces that will try to get you off course. All those cultural and societal messages that tell you you’re doing something wrong,  weird, stupid, and/or making a big mistake. Those little naysayers in the back of your mind questioning what the heck you’re doing and why. Those voices of judgement, jealousy, criticism, scathing contempt, heckling laughter. And of course, those burning insidious voices from within of self-sabotage. The self-doubt, the imposter syndrome, the panic, fear, anxiety. The quick rush to ‘oh **** I’ve made a mistake, turn back!’ And ‘what the **** am I doing’? All of these voices - external to internal - are going to be gnawing away at you as you go about enacting the changes you want to see in your life.

It’s hard as hell to go against the grain of what we’ve been conditioned to believe is right for us, of what we should be doing. As people who like to be successful, it’s downright terrifying to feel like we’re doing something that might result in humiliation and failure. 

Our minds are so good at spinning up stories that terrify us. From projections of ‘what if?’, perpetually living in the future, worst case scenarios, hypothetical nightmares, and the general feeling that ‘this could go horribly wrong’, we have a lot of things we need to protect ourselves against. Pair this with criticism by people we love and respect, and a foreboding awareness that we’re doing something people might not understand, it’s no wonder we fear rocking the boat.

The solution, though, isn’t about not taking that step. We have to act. If we don’t act on the inner tappings that come up from within, we will erode any sense of self-trust left inside us. That’s a fact. If your gut instinct, intuition, inner wisdom, inner voice – whatever you want to call it – is sending signals of, ‘hey, this doesn’t work for me. I need X instead’,  you’re doing extremely well to even be able to hear it, showing more self-awareness than most folks out there. Kudos, however it is vital to understand that you are doing yourself an incredible disservice and self-harm if you ignore those signals. Self-trust requires you to listen and act on what comes up for you. If you shove it to the back of your mind, bury it somewhere deep, and throw away the key, you will directly diminish the connection you have to yourself. That self-awareness will erode. Because you cannot continue to have healthy self-awareness if you ignore the voice within.

Think about it.

How healthy can it possibly be to work hard at connecting to yourself so that you can hear that inner voice,  bring up what it has to say, make sense of it, and then…nothing? It creates dissonance and disconnection. Overtime, the more you ignore that voice and refuse to act, the quieter it will become. Until one day it fades into oblivion and you find yourself 10 years down the line, miserable, overworked, lonely, and feeling awful, wondering how the heck you got to where you are.

So we have to act. With micro-action steps, tiny little one degree nudges that tell our inner guidance system, ‘hey, I’ve got you, I’m here, and what you tell me is important’. You can read more on that in my previous blog post.

What happens next, then?

The onslaught starts. The fear, the panic, the imposter syndrome. The second-guessing. Feeling like crap. And that’s normal. It would be very, very strange if there was no pushback because otherwise you would have  already taken action by now. So it’s part of the process.

What is important though, is to not buckle and give in to the pressure. To bolster and protect yourself against the inevitable barrage of doubt so that when it comes at you, you’re ready.

Luckily, there are many ways you can do this. Whether it’s protecting yourself from your own inner critic and reigning in the self-flagellation, quietening down your imposter syndrome, or challenging your limiting beliefs, there are a number of tools that I can teach you.

I’ve been there myself, all too many times. 

I’ve definitely done some wacky things that elicited tremendous feelings of self-doubt. Consciously choosing to relocate countries a number of times, each time swearing it would be the last. Overcoming anorexia and gaining nearly 40 pounds in one year. Pursuing a master's in Gender Studies at Oxford University after spending the five  years prior partying and guzzling champagne on yachts like it was going out of fashion. Walking away from a $240k salary, a flourishing career in sales, and calling off both my engagement and the 200 person destination wedding. I’ve definitely raised some eyebrows, made my parents groan, confused my friends, garnered a lot of haters, and left my therapist baffled. But each time, despite the fear, I knew that the decision was the right one for me at that point in my life. I trusted my gut instinct wholeheartedly and I've reaped the rewards as a result.

Each time I found my armour, put up my boundaries, sharpened my blade, struck down my limiting beliefs, and reigned in my inner critic. I crafted my communication script, solidified my story, and marched on. I never looked back. 

I couldn’t have done this without the entourage of powerful tools and techniques that I’ve been privileged enough to have accumulated throughout my teens and twenties. Growing up in the coaching and psychology space, I’ve both been given access to, and invested tens of thousands into learning the art of self-protection. There really is a methodology to it, with techniques that can make the whole journey so much easier on us. We don’t have to suffer through external critique or beat ourselves around the head with self-sabotage. We can manage all of these as adeptly as we build our action plans, moving forward with grace, courage, and self-compassion. 

If you’re struggling to protect yourself against self-sabotage or the contempt of others, I can help. Set up a call with me here.