“It’s lonely at the top” (Part 2)
1. Your standards are higher than the average
You recognise that you bring a lot to the table and you expect the same from a partner. You look after yourself, you maintain your appearance, you keep abreast of socio-political issues, and have good manners. You’re also well-travelled, well-educated, have a strong network, and of course, an excellent career. You know you can always do more and there’s much more of the ladder to climb, but you recognise that you are a catch.
You would expect and hope for your match to be your equal in every category. In fact, you’re open to them being slightly less so, since you know you’re a high-achiever and not everyone can keep up – you don’t expect a PhD or multiple exits in their CV. But you still have high standards and you don’t want to have to settle. Deep down you worry though, that even these may be a bit too high, despite the fact that you’re not aiming for the stars.
What to do?
Often, what we think we want is very different to what we actually need. Our head will typically drive the more rational and logical desires whilst our heart might yearn for something different. This incongruence means that we go out there looking for the wrong things, the wrong proxies. For example, I might want a 6’3 Ivy League educated entrepreneurial male with a 6-7 figure salary, but my heart might yearn for a man with deeper qualities than this that can’t be seen on paper. Sure, proxies can be useful and at the same time we have to dig deep to look at what it is that we really value and need – and how can we start to discern who has those qualities.
2. Your hours are longer than most so you’re time poor, and work takes up the bulk of your focus
You’re successful because you work hard and you’re an ambitious, driven professional. That’s great - and at the same time, it comes with a cost. The fact is that you don’t have the time you want and need to invest into finding and keeping love. You’ve even accepted that as someone who has climbed the ladder and achieved these heights, it isn’t realistic to find love, or it’s something you just have to park for now.
So you try not to focus on it, and don’t prioritise it. Instead, you go on dates here and there and don’t take things too seriously, but then find yourself dating in the dark. It becomes a numbers game where you’re just seeing who seems interesting to you and not prioritising the connection. Before you know it, you’re feeling more and more disheartened as you go on dates with people who aren’t the right match at all, getting more and more demoralised. Within a few years, you’re so discouraged you’ve essentially given up and decided that there’s no one for you out there and dating is hard.
What to do?
Dating in the dark and treating it like a numbers game is the worst thing you can do when you’re time poor. Just putting yourself out there and taking what you can get is a fast track recipe for burnout and disillusionment. You still need to be intentional about your choices - even if you only have a few hours a month. And you still need to prioritise this part of your life. Allocating just one day a month for a date with someone you matched with without having done any inner work or discernment, is a waste of your time. Great relationships don’t land on your lap. You have to prioritise them, make the time (maybe drop one TV show, distracting app, gym class, or whatever you can cut from your schedule) and start digging deep to discern what is going to work for you – then focus on finding that.
3. You don’t have the relational skills and awareness you need to find the right match – and keep them
When we are so busy focusing on building our careers and social networks, we’re typically in very logical, rational, and business-centric headspaces. We become wizards at corporate dynamics and getting things done - but we lose the knack for building gradual intimacy, polarity, alchemy, and deep relational connection. We also become pretty useless at discerning red and green flags, since we default to the superficial and often unhelpful pop culture narratives that surround us when we’re mindlessly scrolling through instagram or the internet. We surround ourselves with peers who are either in miserable marriages or similarly single, and simply lack the skills to create healthy and secure relationships.
What to do?
Again, we need to prioritise our relationships. As Esther Perel said in Steve Bartlett’s podcast the other week, do you see any business being conducted the way that we conduct our intimate relationships? No. If you don’t prioritise your personal relationships, you simply won’t know how to do them. They will wither. They will die.
And without relationships, you too will wither. You might not die, but loneliness certainly ramps up your mortality rate quite badly (equivalent to 15 cigarettes a day, the science says). So you want to be a fully well rounded human being with healthy relationships? Then you have to learn the skills to build them. Start today - it won’t happen overnight. Give yourself a head start, now.
4. You’ve subconsciously normalised being single or unhappy because of your professional peer group
We are the product of the five people we surround ourselves with most. That’s all fantastic and great when we’re around fellow entrepreneurs, seasoned executives, and a peer group that can elevate our careers and career capital to the next level. Sadly, this is also the demographic that often suffers the lowest quality intimate relationships. Overworked, overtravelled, absent, and distracted, our peer group are often not the best people to connect with when it comes to learning about healthy relating.
As a result, you’ve likely subconsciously absorbed ideas about what is ‘normal’ i.e. travelling every week and being in different continents throughout the year, making a sustainable relationship incredibly almost impossible. Or, working late into your evenings, and some weekend nights – so you can only see dates/partners once or twice a week max. Losing connections because you have to disappear into a work-hole for two weeks at a time. You may also find yourself avoiding conflict or difficult conversations because you don't have the bandwidth or capacity to go there –you’re stressed enough as it is. All of these are normal but they aren’t helpful. You definitely don’t want to normalise these.
What to do?
Start identifying role models of healthy relationships – healthy, secure, nourishing, and meaningful relationships. Start getting curious about how they interact. Compare and contrast with your own peer group, and yourself. What are the discrepancies? What are some hard truths you might have to face?
“I don’t have the time for this” I hear you say.
Well, if I asked you to find time to create something that would generate you $1M would you find the time? Yes, you would. There is always time. And you don’t need that much. You just need a few hours a week and some rigorous discernment, skills, and intentionality – and you can achieve that level of happy, fulfilling connection.
5. You’re disconnected from yourself
When we're so absorbed in our work, careers, or even our loved ones, we become unbalanced. Life is all about balance and we want to find equilibrium across all areas. To do this, we need to be connected to ourselves, to our core, and to know exactly what it is that we want and need in any given area – and give that to ourselves. This includes our love lives.
If you haven’t looked at this part of your life, it’s highly likely you have little awareness of who you are, what your needs are, attachment styles, social dynamics, nor how to build healthy connections. You’re disconnected from yourself. You probably won’t know what sort of connections are important to you, what you value, and what type of person will work for you and your lifestyle. All of this means that you’re making connections in the dark and treating your relationship like a numbers game. You’ll be unbalanced, maybe a bit burned out, unclear of what is going on for you inside, and fumbling around connecting with any and all people that seem to click or have chemistry with you (which isn’t a marker of compatibility at ALL), and then hoping for the best. This isn’t very productive – or helpful.
This isn’t about being manipulative or ultra strategic, it’s about being deeply devoted to yourself, and to living your best life. This is about giving yourself the sort of connection and love that your heart craves. It’s about knowing yourself inside out so that you can save yourself heartache and pain, and give yourself the type of love that you’re seeking.
What to do?
Start being honest with yourself. How much are you prioritising your own heart, who you are, what you want? Therapy is a great way to start, but that can be too retrospective and past focused. You likely will benefit from something more present and future focused, so doing a life audit can be helpful (I talk a lot about this with my clients). Learning to connect with your core will be a game changer. And getting radically honest with yourself, in a kind and gentle way, to discern what will and won’t work for you will be a gamechanger.
So there you have it – five reasons why it’s harder to find and keep a partner as a successful executive or entrepreneur. What other reasons have you come across that I might have missed? Drop me a comment or DM me.
