Relationship issues: Should I stay or should I go?
One of the most challenging yet profound areas for practising embodied integrity is in our relationships. Being able to discern exactly what is true for you, and who or what is in alignment with you, is likely one of the best muscles we can train. How many times have we been in relationships, whether it’s romantic, professional, familial or friendship, and we have felt that something is ever so slightly off, or lacking, or ‘ick’. We’ve felt a latent sense of animosity, or resentment, or just something not being quite 100% right – and we’ve questioned it, or second guessed ourselves? And so, we’ve typically stayed quiet (so as not to break the peace), or we’ve swallowed our feelings and got on with it, or we’ve fully run and cut the relationship off. What’s perhaps even more frightening, and a feeling I am oh so familiar with myself, is a feeling that something is wrong, something is awry -- but we can’t pinpoint what. An undercurrent, however small, of anxiety, or stress, or discontent -- and we can’t read what it is. We ask ourselves – is it genuine? Is it just dramatics, or commitment-phobia or something wrong with us? Isn’t it normal to feel a bit off and have moments of anxiety with other people? Aren’t we all flawed? Aren’t we all messed up in this day and age? Isn’t this just life?
Yes, it is, of course. We aren’t perfect, and we do all have our own ‘baggage’. But there is also the very real possibility that something is off, something is wrong. And this is where being able to discern what is real and what is not, what is anxiety and what is a genuine message of wisdom, becomes important.
How can we know what is a projection or a past trauma? How can we know when it’s our own very real and human imperfections playing up, or a genuine cause for concern? How can we discern what is really going on for us, what our intuition and inner self is trying to tell us? How can we really know whether we can trust it? And what the hell do we do when we know?
This is the state of paralysis and second-guessing of myself that I spent my first engagement in. Enmeshed in a deeply fraught dynamic with a lot of high-stake players at stake, an extended family, a wedding planned, guests invited, investments made, I found myself uncomfortably pushing down a sense that something wasn’t right. Eager to have things work out and a seamless, drama-free life, I kept putting one foot in-front of the other, caught up in hope that things were working out for me, and everything was fine. I was doing what I always wanted to do. I was okay. I was happy. My family was happy. Everyone was happy, and this is the right thing to do, with the right person, and there is no rational reason why it shouldn’t work.
Meanwhile, my body sent me signals that I ignored. I struggled to fall asleep (and so, melatonin), headaches were frequent (ibuprofen), my period was all over the place (contraception, stress, whatever). I put these down to hormones, anxiety, stress, change. Upending my routine, adapting to a new life. Overcoming my so-called commitment-phobia (though I had never actually thought I was a commitment-phobe my whole life, but who knows). I never stopped to question why I would have these. I accepted these symptoms, and my anxiety, as part of who I am. I’m a woman! I’m a high-achiever! I’m a Type A. Of course, I’m slightly neurotic, highly strung, control-freak, blah blah. We’re all over the place. This is just how I am wired. This is how my type are. This is normal. Stop questioning it and get on with it. Be grateful.
What I was missing this entire time was that my body, my precious, wise, deeply intuitive animal body was firing off signals to me that things were wrong. I wasn’t happy. Despite how things looked on the outside, I wasn’t truly. Not deep down. Not in the truest core of my core. Not in my soul. I would lie at night trying to sleep and wondering what was wrong with me, angry at myself for not being able to fall asleep, but never once stopping to accept that deep down my needs weren’t getting met – not by myself or by anyone. I was self-abandoning through and through, and I just didn’t know it. I was caught up in ‘what should be’ and disconnected from what really was.
Every tiny little cue and signal in my body, in my anxiety, in my emotional self, was trying to direct me to my own inner deceptions. My body and my intuition were fiercely trying to wake me up. To get my attention, to tell me to stop. They don’t care about social norms. They care about my deep, authentic happiness. Being an outcast and disobeying social norms is better than a life of deep self-neglect, of lying to myself. Better than a life of quiet misery, like so many of us, plodding on through life caught up in apathy and fear of challenging the status quo.
It took a regular practice of learning to discern, be silent, and trust myself, to really hear what my inner self was telling me. I was lucky to have profound teachers with me along the way who became my entourage. Together with their months of guidance and teachings, along with my years of previous resources that I began to reignite, strengthen, and build upon, I learned the art of listening to my inner self. I learned how to discern what is an anxiety response from the past, a projection, a family trauma, and what is real-time information I need to listen and respond to. I learned to tune into my inner tappings and decipher their meanings. I learned to build self-trust by taking tiny, tiny steps forward that proved to me that I am my greatest ally, and I take my signals seriously. This gave them confidence that I listen, that I respect them, and so they gave me more. I learned to protect myself from fear and self-doubt and create boundaries that shielded me from naysayers and external criticism.
In doing all of this and applying the tools and resources I’d accumulated along the way of my 15+ years of healing, I ultimately developed a strong connection to my body and to my gut instinct. One that now is a best friend and trusty guide. One that can fire out a signal to me that something is or isn’t in alignment with what is best for me. Sometimes it directs me to things that don’t make rational sense, or seem wild and wacky, but are good for me. Sometimes it points me to things I wouldn’t want to look at, or feel uncomfortable, but I know I need to address. My anxieties now point to spaces for more compassion and understanding. My maladies reveal information. My gut instincts give me direction. Above all, though, learning embodied integrity has given me a sense of safety and self-trust that I am here for myself to give myself my best life. That I am not here to settle or play small, but here to live my most authentic and honest version of life, one that is true to me – to whatever depths I yearn to go to, however big and bold that may feel. To never settle, and to never again lie to myself. To be my greatest advocate and fight to give myself the life that I deserve. This is its real value. And whilst this may be a lifelong journey of coming home to myself, it is perhaps the most worthwhile journey of them all.
