How can I make better decisions? The Embodied Integrity way
If there’s one thing that I used to always pride myself on and simultaneously recognised to be my potential downfall, it was my ability (or lack thereof) to make decisions. On the one hand, like most go-getters, I knew how to make rapid fire decisions around my career, place of work, properties, investments, relationships, health -- anything remotely pragmatic -- extremely quickly. Using my logic and reasoning, I felt super comfortable quickly calculating what the best decision would be and locking it down.
At the same time, the bigger, more existential questions – what do I really want to do with my life, what sort of partner do I really want to be with, what do I envision true health and relaxation to look like for me – these paralysed me. In a world where we’re told that we can do anything we set our minds to, we’ll be great at whatever we do, the world is our oyster, etc. But, also, this is the sort of life that someone of your type and background should live. It’s no wonder we’re consumed by indecision and analysis paralysis. It is terrifying to go against the grain. It’s terrifying to do anything too wacky or out of the ordinary. It’s much, much better to play it safe, but is that really what we want? Do we even truly know what we want deep down?
And so we live in our heads. We’re rational, smart, and capable. We weigh up our bets, list out pros and cons, and act on what’s ostensibly best for us. What will be comfortable for our parents, spouse, friends, and those around us (ah, our stakeholders), what seems nice and comfortable for us, and what will deliver The Good LifeTM.
This works a lot of the time and the consequences aren’t always bad. It’s definitely part of our secret sauce to success – knowing what to do, when, how, and actually doing it. And with many decisions this works well for us. In work, in our health, in our friendships. Even at times in our relationships. The problem is when the decisions are big and mighty, and the consequences feel overwhelming. When the stakes do feel high. And we hate to be wrong. We don’t want regrets. We don’t want to rock the boat unnecessarily and then come out as ‘failures’. We don’t want to upset people, look like we’ve lost the plot, or are veering too far into the unconventional. We don’t want folks talking about us, we don’t want drama, and we definitely don’t want to ruin our reputations. And so we put our heads down and plod on, finding ourselves occasionally caught up in overthinking, or ruminating over what if’s and analysis.
This is where the consequences are pretty dire. We find ourselves ploughing down a career trajectory that may get us prestige and 6-figure salaries, heck, even 7, but we’re feeling a little bit disillusioned with it. We marry our spouse and ten years down the line feel like something is a little bit meh, but daren’t look beneath the surface in fear of sabotaging things. We live in a city, in a routine, in a lifestyle that is fine for what it is, and makes us happy to a large extent, but just feels a teeny bit unfulfilling. And we can't really figure out why. Even worse, we may find ourselves in a relationship that really is unsatisfying, or just doesn’t feel like it’s of the depth and standard we yearn for, but we’re too scared to leave. Or we find ourselves caught up in golden handcuffs of a job that is toxic and making us burn out, but what the heck will we do instead. Or we have a sense that we want to be more free and do something else, but just don’t know what. Or how to even start.
This is where embodied integrity becomes handy. Normal decision-making with us high-achievers likely looks something like:
Weigh up pros and cons
Do some market analysis/ask trusted advisors/friends/spouse
Google
Ask ourselves if this makes sense, is worth it, will get us rewards down the line, what are the sunk costs, what does the investment look like, what’s the end goal, etc etc.
Sit on it
Make a decision. Don’t look back
The alternative is typically seen as more woo-woo. Asking, what does your heart say! Or your gut? Your spirit!! Often leads to a semi-response that fades off into the distance and is met with, ‘but’, or is laughed off as ‘crazy’. Sometimes, we feel a strong sense of ‘something’, a ‘gut instinct’ and that strengthens our resolve. We do listen to it, from time to time, but typically it’s an afterthought or a hazy sense of something that we can’t quite pinpoint and so we default to our trusty brains.
There is another way, though. The embodied integrity way, is one that looks to take into account all aspects of who we are - the rational reason, the emotions, the body, and whatever is deeper for you - the spirit or the soul. It looks to take into account every aspect, and sit with it in a measured and balanced way that is gentle and informative from all parts of you. It’s curious, kind, and exploratory. It’s able to respond quickly but also calmly. It’s deeper – and it’s truly what’s truest for you.
It is able to discern what your gut instinct is telling you. It is connected, grounded, self-aware and self-reflective. It can sense your body's tappings (where your intuition lies) and recognise what is coming up as a yes, and what is a no. It takes into account that your subconscious mind is always taking in information – way more than your rational mind can even begin to process – and so it knows that much more than we can. Even more, it can discern to what extent it is a yes. Is it a full frontal, big, all consuming yes? Or is it a slightly scared, nervous, unsure and only partly a yes? And if so, is that just fear talking? Anxiety? Or is that slight sense of ‘no’ a cause for concern? With so much depth to the instinct, embodied integrity looks to translate the message. What is your instinct, your gut, really telling you? What is it aware of that you may have otherwise missed in your rational processing? What is really going on for you, in that situation or decision, that you need to know? It can be as nuanced as telling you — this relationship is great, but perhaps you’re not feeling as heard as you need to to feel respected, and so this needs addressing. Or perhaps this job is brilliant and what you want, but your intellect is ever so slightly bored, and you’re veering into complacency and languishing. Or maybe helping out in your community feels right, but you need to operate with more honest and ethical people, and to feel more respected.
The next step is to act on your new sense of clarity, so as to affirm to yourself that you are capable of acting on your decision and testing it. These actions don’t have to be gigantic and overwhelming pivots in your life. You don’t have to break up with your spouse, quit your job, or move countries. But just begin to take teeny weeny little steps towards your newfound clarity and truth, little pivots and manageable turns, to inch forward. And as you do, you stay connected to yourself, vigilantly and carefully checking in with each move and sense-checking that it feels right. As you inch forward, new realities and bits of information will unfold for you, and so you pause to take it all in and re-affirm, or pivot, on your decision. There is courage and humility here, and a gentle lens of self-compassion. You are being brave in acting upon what you sense and know to be true for you, and you are kind to yourself, recognising that incremental changes are likely to deliver the information that you need to sense-check you’re on the right path. Lastly, embodied integrity in decision-making is about being whole. It’s about arming yourself with healthy boundaries, protective measures, and energy to protect yourself from saboteurs. Whether its naysayers or loved ones who question what we’re doing, our own inner critic, imposter syndrome, or our demonic inner taskmaster (that’s my own saboteur right there), we can arm ourselves with protective measures. Constantly checking in with our gut, translating what it’s telling us, acting with little incremental steps, and protecting us from outside forces, we are able to remain embodied versions of ourselves – of our authentic, whole selves, in all of our decisions. This is where embodied integrity becomes our greatest ally in our decision-making. We always have the answers within. And with this, we can trust each step forward.
