Why is what I’m trying not working? Common steps I see high achievers doing in their dating.

The problem most hard-working high achievers run into in relationships and dating are two fold:

On the one hand, we approach finding a partner and building relationships like we do with the rest of our lives. We have some goals (timelines, check lists, etc), we have some ‘strategies’, and we push ourselves forward to go get them.

We also generally don’t like asking for help, looking ‘weak’, and believe we should (and can) achieve it ourselves. So we go forth blindly doing what we think we should be doing.

The problem is that there’s no one to course correct us, call us out, or help point us in the right direction. Information online is inconsistent, all over the place, and generally lacks any understanding of our ambition and drive. Therapists keep pointing us back to the past and our childhood traumas but fail to give us a clear cut strategy or steps forward. Friends and family keep repeating the same bit of advice (“it’ll happen when you least expect it”, or “just relax, it’ll come”).

Finding a partner is one of (if not the) most important decisions we will ever make in our lives. Endless studies show it affects our health, wellbeing, finances, business, and whole future. Something so high stakes and important seems too important to just leave to chance. Yet no one stops to guide us - and those who do, often operate from a pretty toxic place of superficial advice, short-term solutions, and rarely get the drive and ambition behind our goals.

Here are some common steps I see high achievers doing in their dating - and why they don’t work:

Seeing a therapist

Fantastic foundations and much needed. But there comes a time and place where we need more forward action. Therapy is retrospective and focuses on the past. It’s crucial for helping you move through old blockages, traumas, and parental wounds, as well as for healing attachment styles. But it rarely focuses on present-and future activities. Nor is it strategic. Not many therapists understand drive (if anything it can be villainised - I love my therapists, but I can’t help but feel that some of them would have wanted me to slow down and han g up my ambition. It took a long time to find one that got it). Often we can spend years with a therapist without tangible outcomes beyond feeling better and lighter in life. Therapy works well with coaching since therapy clears out the old, and coaching helps bring in the new. Coaching often comes after therapy.

Talking to their friends/family and complaining about dating

This doesn’t work because friends/family have their own biases, aren’t qualified or trained in the field, often don’t have the vested interest in calling out certain behaviours, and also we have our own natural biases - we are friends with people like us, so often we’re going to be repeating the same patterns with our friendship group. You’re not going to get the accountability, thought leadership, support and diligence you need to course correct here.

Spending money on dating apps

Using dating app filters to find the right person may seem like a great idea and makes sense. I know I was hell bent on finding someone with a Masters degree, 6” and up, ‘Christian’ or ‘Spiritual, etc etc. This might work to bring in leads but the quality of the dating interaction will often start with the superficial focus and how real they are can remain up for debate. Plus, how do you know that the right lead is the right lead if they haven’t done the inner work? Often we use dating app filters from a very rational and logical perspective, thinking about who we ‘should’ be dating. My own partner is not that height nor did he mark ‘Christian’ or ‘Spiritual’ on his profile. In fact, when I saw his profile after we’d met, I realised I would have swiped left. His profile was not my normal profile. At all. So we may miss someone who’s a great match for us by way of getting in our own way.

Writing long lists of the qualities in their future partner they want to manifest

OOOOH boy. How many lists I have written over my lifetime. This is great in theory but often comes from a rational and logical perspective, driven by ego, rather than the spirit and heart, which is where ultimately happiness and soulmate connection lies. Truth be told my list actually worked - I so-called ‘manifested’ my first fiance who ticked all my boxes. The problem is, I was so obsessed with this fact that I missed the very real fact that he was the wrong person for me. I fixated on the wrong things (how he looked, presented, acted, job titles, height, background, etc) and missed how I felt.

Reading dating books, blogs, and podcasts aimed at getting them quick wins

So much of the information online and in the media that we consume on relationships and dating is geared up to quick wins and dopamine boosts. Often these are very superficial and 2-D versions of what dating really is. They’re short term strategies that don’t work long term and aimed almost exclusively at getting click-bait attention and Netflix style drama. There’s a lot of manipulation and simplistic stuff here. I’ve gone down these rabbit holes myself and sadly spent a lot of my 20s here. From reading about basic polarity principles and trying to bend myself like a pretzel into being a dainty, soft and heavy-breathing feminine being, to learning scripts for texts to get a certain reaction from my partner…it was all a disaster. I refuse to do this. It doesn’t work. What works is knowing yourself inside out, doing the inner work systematically and with a clear laser focus, and being ready to allow for longer, deeper, more integrated and sustainable transformation.

Using pickup artist coaches for men or femininity coaches for women

I’ve mentioned this above, and it’s a similar idea - that very short term, simplistic, binary and superficial way of approaching dating that doesn’t work long term or in the complex nuances of marriage and partnership. Humans are complex. You’re complex. Your partner will be complex. You need more than a band-aid solution. I know I did. And do.

Using AI to help them

I won’t even explain this but I’ve heard it happen.

Simply giving up and just adopting a laissez-faire attitude

“I’m just putting myself out there and having fun!” This is great in theory since it has a healthy detached energy, but when we have not done the inner work to know what we are looking for on a deeper level and what we need to be happy, then just laissez faire isn’t going to work. Plus, let’s be honest - often we act like we don’t care, but we really DO care deep down. The lack of filter in our dating choices (since we’re laissez faire) means that when we go on dates that are inevitably disappointing (because we had no filter) we end up feeling even more disheartened and worse than if we went on a date that we’d been more conscious about and hadn’t worked (negative reinforcement).

Listening to the unqualified coaches

I’ve gone down a rabbit-hole of instagram and tik tok dating coaches, hearing lots of different opinions, and following the advice of folks who aren’t ethical coaches, aren’t trained, don’t have healthy relationships and are just projecting unhealthy advice. There are so many single coaches out there promising big results from shaky superficial techniques.

Going on long dating detoxes

This is fine in theory but again, taking time out of dating without doing the inner work is just delaying the time it will take to find a partner. The inner work is what’s important, not the delay/time out. The delay/time out is just detachment, which again, only works when you know what you are detaching from and open to.

Signing up to matchmaking services

Again, fine in theory, but without the inner work of what you need in a partner, how do you know what you are matching with is right for you? Without the inner work, how can you trust that you won’t self sabotage the right person? Whilst we don’t have to be fully healed to find love (that is a horrible, unfair and untrue myth) we do have to be ready and open to it, prepared to be surprised and willing to do the work.

Asking friends for match-making help

Oftentimes friends will be projecting onto us what we need or desire (which isn’t what you might need, it’s their projection). This might work but puts a lot of pressure and expectation on the friends (which isn’t fair), and can burn bridges (if there’s negativity). Great in theory and can work but honestly, a bit of a gamble.

Speed Dating

Very superficial, fast, and involves a lot of judging people based on their appearance and a micro conversation. Typically we need at least 2 - 3 dates with someone that we rank decently - so speed dating isn’t going to give us full information. It also stigmatises shy people and can be quite discriminatory to high-achievers. Personally I don't know many ultra successful people who are into speed dating. It’s a numbers game, and numbers aren’t for those aiming high.

Singles mixers/going to bars with single people

Great in theory, but also requires inner work to know who you’re looking for, and a lot of filtering, trial and error. It’s much more sensible to come prepared with an awareness and focus before talking to everyone at the bar. Your spidey senses should be able to tingle and point you in the right direction when you meet your person (I know mine certainly did).