Can I trust my gut instinct about my relationship? Why discernment is important

Often we’re aware of something going on inside us – an instinct, a gut response, a fear, a murmur of insight – but we rarely know what it is or what it’s trying to tell us. Uncertain and unclear, we ignore it or push it away to the back of our minds. When we choose to act on it, we do so nervously, second-guessing ourselves, and questioning whether we’re doing the right thing.

I get it. I also used to live like this. 

For so much of life, I did my best to navigate difficult situations. Deciding what job to take next, whether to stay or go in a relationship, figuring out the best country or city for me to live in. I thought I was connected to myself. My gut sent me signals that I thought I was listening to. I did the best that I could and tried to navigate forward as intuitively and rationally as possible. Weighing up pros and cons, looking at the situation from all angles, sensing out what felt right.

But all too often, I still felt anxious. Uncertain about the choices I had made. I second-guessed myself, went back and forth on my decisions, and anxiety permeated much of my life.

It was only through the combined practice of becoming a mindfulness teacher and working with my women’s embodiment coach that I got clearer on what I needed to do. I will never forget going to my coach, feeling unsure and unclear about what to do about my first engagement. Everything on the surface looked right, but inside I felt tremendous anxiety – and I couldn't shake out exactly why. We had the picture perfect relationship and everyone seemed to envy the life we lived, so why did I lie awake at night wondering, "Is this really it?" 

As we worked together and I went deeper into my mindfulness training, I gradually learned the art of discernment. 

Each time I came to my coach with the nagging doubt, she would ask me whether it was a past projection or a present-moment insight that I was feeling. Was I projecting a past trauma from my fraught relationship with my father, a pattern from my ex, or was I responding to a very real intuitive insight I was having that day? 

Suddenly my chastising of myself: “Why am I so anxious? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I just relax? What’s wrong with my relationship that’s making me feel this way?” – gave way to a gentle process of enquiry: 

“Where is this sensation coming from? What is the intention behind it? Is it coming from the past, or is it here in the present? What trigger or present moment reality is it responding to? What does it mean?”

The practise was challenging at first – harder than I thought. But after practising with her and deepening my own mindful inner enquiry and embodiment skills, I grew to learn the clear difference. I learned to discern the different bodily sensations. Discern what was coming up for me. To communicate with my inner self. I truly connected. 

Soon, I knew very clearly where my anxiety was coming from, and what it was trying to tell me. I wasn’t wrong about my instincts. I was being lied to. What I thought was real was not real. There was infidelity when I thought that there was monogamy. I was able to tap into the present-moment insights that my subconscious was reading based on my embodied experience. I stopped second-guessing myself. Instead, I got extreme clarity on what I felt deep down, deep beneath the happy image on the outside, and deep inside of me. I was able to address the parts that were the wounds I needed to tend to. I became radically clear on what I needed for my future. I became radically clear on who I was, and what I needed. I just knew.

And from there, everything became so much easier. I became able to listen to my inner self. I ended the engagement, and walked away. I found strength within by giving myself what I needed. I was able to address my past traumas and clear them out by listening to them and tending to them. 

And, magically, beautifully, serendipitously, I was able to find my present partner less than 18 months later. Coming from such a clear place of discernment, I was able to know within an extremely short space of time, profoundly, and so, so clearly, that this was in fact the right person for me. No second-guessing of myself. When I felt triggered, I was able to discern what past trauma was touched, and soothe myself. When anxiety came up, I was able to tend to it and understand where it was coming from. And when fear creeped in, I was able to glean its insights and warnings, so I could protect myself from it. I was able to communicate with my partner more clearly because I was communicating with myself more clearly. And there was never any doubt. Because finally, I trusted myself.

Clarity is second nature now because discernment comes so much easier. 

Discernment, and the clarity that comes with it, is useful across all realms of life – from professional life, and deciding whether to pursue a certain career path, job, venture, or relocation opportunity, to personal life, and deciding whether to stay or go in a partnership, pursue someone, or tend to our own inner landscape. It can also help us with our health, moving us from hypochondriac fears or self-denial into self-care and self-attendance. Discernment is the starting place for much of our self-connection.

Are you able to discern what’s coming up for you? Let me know.