Why do I keep attracting the same type of person in my romantic relationships?

I hear it all the time from clients:

“I keep attracting emotionally unavailable women. They show interest in me initially and pursue me, but as soon as we get close or a real relationship starts to form, they start to lose interest and things fizzle out”. 

“I keep attracting women who shut down when the going gets tough, and either they walk away, avoid hard conversations, get defensive, or throw it back in my face”.

“I keep attracting men who give me just bread crumbs of affection and don’t give me what I really want and need…but I can’t seem to stop being attracted to them”.

“I keep attracting men who pursue me at the beginning and are super romantic, giving me flowers, taking me on dates, and doing everything that I want, but then I find out that they’re actually in a relationship with someone else - or they just disappear”.

These patterns that you keep seeing - the pattern of emotional unavailability, drama, stress, anxiety, feeling like you’re low priority for someone, feeling like you’re stuck in limbo, feeling like you’re on a rollercoaster of receiving hot and cold love from someone…

Where you’re constantly feeling anxious, you find yourself ruminating, thinking a lot, worrying, debating what to do, debating what to say, going back and forth…

Where you find yourself second-guessing yourself, doubting yourself, and wondering what’s the ‘right’ thing to do…

Wondering how to make them love you more…

Wondering how to get what you need…

Wondering if you’re even with the right person…

These patterns feel familiar to you, because they are familiar to your internal wiring.

They’re familiar to your nervous system.

To your childhood programming.

To the deep, deep, deep core part of you where all of your unconscious patterns, programming, and ways of being exist.

This is something so deep inside of you that you probably aren’t even aware of it consciously.

Perhaps in therapy you’ve tapped into it, or skimmed the surface of why this might be happening…

…and so, since it’s so deep inside of you, at a nervous system, programmatic level, it feels familiar to you. It is your ‘baseline’. It is your ‘normal’.

Which is why you keep attracting the same pattern.

This is why you keep finding yourself in the same situation, again and again.

This is why you keep living what feels like Groundhog day, even if it’s different people.

It’s an inner job problem.

It’s not an outer reality problem.

Because what we know from neuroscience is that your unconscious mind is always working tenaciously to recreate on the outside what it believes and has created on the inside. So all the patterns you’re carrying inside, are what is playing out on the outside.

This is true for every part of your life, not just your relationships. It’s true for your money, your career, your health, your family dynamics, and your love life.

Why is this the case?

It’s because between the ages of 0-8, your brain hasn’t fully formed yet. Your little childhood brain doesn’t have its brain waves fully developed. It’s young, spongey, and soft. It’s not developed.

This means that it’s VERY susceptible. It’s malleable.

And like a little sponge, it soaks up all the messages it can that live around you. 

Messages from your parents, your primary caregivers. It sees what’s going on around you. 

It interprets (as best as it can, with its tiny little childlike faculties), what is going on, what your parents mean, and why they are doing what they are doing.

And so, since it doesn’t fully understand what’s going on, since it’s so young and innocent, some of the conclusions it draws aren’t fully accurate. 

“Mum is working really hard and she’s out of the house all day. That must mean she doesn’t want to be around me. There must be something wrong with me. I am a bad child. I am not worthy”.

“Dad is always angry. He’s always shouting. I must have done something wrong. I am a bad child. I am bad.”

“Mum and dad are sometimes here and sometimes not. I can’t predict where and when they will be around. This feels very hot and cold. It’s unstable. I can’t relax. I am not safe. I must not deserve constant presence and constant, safe love. I must be unworthy.”

And as a tiny little child, you cannot see what’s really going on or understand why things are happening the way they are.

So you make your own conclusions, internalize them as beliefs about yourself, and thus - you create the foundation of a pattern. 

A pattern of believing you’re unworthy of healthy, constant, long-term love.

A pattern of believing you’re unworthy of unwavering, steady, safe presence.

A pattern of believing people will always leave you.

A pattern of believing you will always be left abandoned.

And, without examining this later in life, which most people never do, you end up recreating these same patterns in your adult life.

Why?

Because your brain is working hard to recreate the external reality to fit with your internal reality, since that is what the brain does. That is how it gets the congruence it craves. It doesn’t like dissonance.

And so, you attract partners like this into your life.

And until you examine this, and dig out the root patterns and reprogram them at a nervous system, brain, body, and at the core level, you will find yourself stuck in this autopilot.

How can you do that?

Well, therapy is a great place to build awareness of what these patterns are.

The Behavioral Science of Attraction is a great place to do the digging and reprogramming.

In my program and with my methodology, I take you through examining the patterns and identifying them through a relationship audit. I then help you dig out the core wounds and beliefs so that you can reprogram them. I teach you the most effective neuroscience hacks to create new neural pathways and create new, better patterns for you.

What this does, is that it starts to change your external reality.

Once you believe you’re worthy of healthy, amazing, nourishing, stable love, you will start to see it and receive it. 

I also take you through getting clear on what that sort of love looks like for you. What is your unique version of that and what sort of partner would work for you. 

We then work on creating a plan and strategy around that, so that you can execute and get your new life going. A life of confidence, feeling empowered, strong, and having reclaimed control over your relationships - and the rest of your life.

It really is an inner job. And it’s the best job you can do for your whole life.

If this resonates with you, you can watch my free Masterclass on my methodology here:

https://programs.katarinapolonska.com/osilreplay

All my love,

Katarina

P.S. The early access investment rates are available until the end of May - then I’ll be increasing them by $1k.