What if I can’t change? A story to change your mind

So often I get approached by men and women in their 40s and 50s, wanting help with their relationships, but worried that they are too old to change.

The conversation usually goes something like this:

Them: “I’m stuck in a bit of a situation right now. I really want to find love, create that happy family/life for myself but I can’t seem to find my person. I think it’s because I’m working a lot and don’t have time for a partnership right now/anxious/insecure/caught up in a hot and cold dynamic with someone/living in a small city/not sure what I am doing etc etc.”

Me: “Got it. That sounds like the exact sort of situation I’m well versed in helping folks through. I understand - and I get it. The great news is, you can change this within as short as 3 months if you apply yourself and do the personal growth.”

Them: “I don’t know if it will work on me though…I’ve tried therapy/counselling before and it didn’t really have any impact. I’ve tried coaching before and it didn’t really change anything, though it made me more aware. I’m scared that I can’t change. And then I’m scared that if I do change, I won’t know who I am anymore…”

Does this sound familiar?

Do you also wonder if you’re too stuck in your ways, can’t change, are too old, can’t afford it, don’t have the time, don’t know how, or whatever other fears you might have?

The reality is, you absolutely can change. Probably right up to the ripe old age of 90 or so, you can change. Your brain is absolutely capable of neurogenesis - the phenomenon of creating new neural pathways. You can create new behaviours, new patterns, new ways of being and therefore new results.

And you absolutely can afford it, and you can find out how, and you will have the time to do it.

Here is a client who did exactly that.

First, we have Robert. Robert is a 45 year old man who recently came out of a devastating divorce. His ex wife had left him and he had been left distraught. She’d cheated on him. He never thought it would have happened to him and he had done everything he could to be the perfect husband. He’d been attentive, devoted, caring, worked hard, and provided for her. But she’d had an affair with a work colleague when he’d least expected it. He was crushed. He was also feeling financially a bit stung. So he threw himself in to his business, upped his working hours and focused. 

After a couple of years, he was fully out there dating again - but finding it depressing. No one that he met really felt like the right fit. He was wary of getting into the wrong relationship again, and so many of the women he met felt like they were nearly there but not quite. They were attractive, smart, and successful - but some of them felt too anxious, or too young. Some of them wanted more kids. No one really felt like a good match. Connections felt rushed and frantic, and fizzled out before they could get serious. He felt lonely. He worked even harder. 

He questioned if he was in the right place. Whether he lived in too much of a remote area. Whether he needed to move (but he didn’t want to), travel more (but he didn’t want to) or try going on the dating apps (he didn’t want to). He tried a bit of therapy to see whether his head was in the right place, but didn’t find it all that useful. Sure, it made him more aware of his issues and thought processes, but it didn’t really help him answer the question of: where is she? Am I going to ever meet someone? Have I missed the boat on finding my life partner?

He listened to podcasts, he read books. He even started watching YouTube videos for men on dating techniques and what to do to find love, though he found a lot of them quite click-baitey and all about pick up artist techniques. This just wasn’t his style. He felt even more alone. What was wrong with him? He looked at expensive retreats, 5 figure matchmakers, and felt a bit sick. None of that really felt in integrity with who he was. 

He wanted to find healthy, meaningful love with someone that was fun and adventurous, and someone that would give him a wonderful second chance at life. He also wanted to stop feeling so anxious.

But where was she? And what did he need to do? Would he ever stop feeling so lonely?

That’s when he came across my work. 

After we had our initial conversation, he realised what the missing ingredient was: 

The Behavioral Science of Attraction.

He’d never heard of it before. He’d heard of the Law of Attraction and he’d read a book on Attachment theory before, a long time ago. He’d had a hunch that he was anxious but he didn’t really know what to do with it. And he understood that a lot of what he was attracting in his life he wasn’t doing consciously.

So, he decided to work with me.

He admitted he was nervous that he wouldn’t be able to change, and that he wouldn’t have the time to do the work. 

We spent the first month looking at his subconscious patterns, his core beliefs, wounds, and where he was self-sabotaging himself without realising it. Within just a few weeks, he had huge Ah ha moments that gave him clarity on what he’d been doing wrong. It started to make sense. He began to piece things together and see things clearly. He began to see rapid progress.

He also began to create new patterns for himself - quickly. Using techniques rooted in neurogenesis and subconscious mind hacking, he started to create new ways of showing up. With just 15 minutes each morning, he began to rewrite his script. He was healing his core wounds and the roots of all his problems. He found it easy to balance the work (which was giving him such rewarding results) with his day job. In fact, it made him better at his day job as he came to work with a spring in his step.

He messaged me in our third week, an excited WhatsApp saying, “Kat, I’m having small breakthroughs every day it feels like. This stuff is wild. It really works. I can feel it.”

By Stage 5, we’d moved into the Behavioral Science phase of the program. We’d dug deep into his attachment style and building strategies to make him more confident and clear in who he is, what he wants and needs, and how to get it. We’d looked at where he’d gone wrong with the types of women he had dated previously. I introduced him to concepts like Toxic Femininity and integrated masculinity, that all made sense, and gave him a strong sense of clarity with what he wanted. We uncovered needs that he didn’t even know he had, and started to build strategies to get them met. 

Stage 8 we’d started to look at compatibility and how to date in a healthy, secure way. This was a real game-changer week for him, as he began to see where he’d gone wrong previously, and why he’d ended up in relationships that weren’t in alignment with him for so many years. 

And that’s when it happened. We weren’t even nearing the end of the program, it was only a few months in, but he met her. The woman he described to me excitedly one evening, as, his Soulmate. The woman he’d been seeking all along.

They’d met at an airport lounge serendipitously whilst waiting to board the same plane and got talking. She was beautiful, kind, and had a warm, calm energy to her that magnetised him. She seemed incredibly confident and secure in her own skin, yet full of a bubbly energy that showed him she was interested in getting to know him more. He felt a different feeling this time than he’d ever felt before.

Fast forward a few dates back in their hometown, he was telling me that she was different to anyone he’d ever met. She was easy to get to know. He felt comfortable. He felt safe. It felt like they’d known each other for years, whilst also feeling refreshing, new, and exciting. And for the first time in his life, he wasn’t feeling anxious. He didn’t feel that pull to rush into things, to dive in head first and commit. Instead, he felt safe and trusting of the situation. He knew he could take his time. He knew he could discern if she was the right one for him with ease, rather than having to run to the finish line. 

With a newfound sense of confidence in his heart, he went forth and began to date her. 

As we wrapped up the program together, moving through the Integrity phase, he stayed with her. Their relationship blossomed over the months, and they committed to each other. It didn’t feel forced. It didn’t feel rushed. It felt like the most natural thing in the world. 

Now, they’re looking at moving in together and seeing where they’ll go next in their relationship. He tells me that he’s surprised it happened so unexpectedly for him, and he’s surprised at how she turned out. She’s perfect for him in a way that he didn’t even know a woman could be - and she isn’t even his normal type. 

And that is how I know and trust that he’s met his match. 

Why?

Because he’s moved out of his old, familiar, broken patterns.

He’s moved away from dating someone who is his ‘type’.

He’s stopped rushing into things, anxiously trying to pin someone down because he’s so desperate to be wanted, to be loved - but rather, he took his time. He moved with grace. He moved with patience, with ease, and with confidence that the right woman would never pass him by. 

Now, he’s a fully secure, confident individual. The anxiety he used to feel is a thing of the past. He’s in a healthy, committed, devoted relationship with someone that treats him with respect, love, and appreciation. They are honest with each other and are able to be their authentic selves - whilst still having fun, adventure, and lots of epic hikes around the beautiful mountains in their backyard. He’s happy.

How long did all of this take? 

Honestly, less than 6 months for it to happen. 

Why?

Because he learned proven science-based techniques to take whatever wasn’t working for him - the subconscious patterns, his triggers, his core wounds, belief systems - all the garbage inside of his mind accumulated from childhood and adult experiences - and transform it. He took all the necessary steps to heal that we all have to do if we want to become the type of person who easily and effortlessly attracts healthy, nourishing love - and he did. 

Now he is confident, clear in who he is, secure in his attachments, and ready to take on life with more energy, more ease, and more strength. I asked him what he would rank his life out of 10 now, and he said it would be a 9.9.

I’m so excited for him and what his future holds with her. And it’s stories like Robert’s that make my work so rewarding, and my mission so palpable.

So what’s the moral of the story here folks?

You can all change.

You can all get the results that you are seeking.

Robert isn’t an anomaly.

I have other stories like him, other clients. I chose to share Robert’s because I knew he wouldn’t mind - and because he was the one who was so adamant that he wouldn’t be able to change. 

And I’d love for you to become one of these success stories too. 

Because you too, have the power to change your life. To transform your patterns. To turn things around for yourself. So much faster than you think.

So, so much faster than you think.

And I am here to help you do just that.

If this story resonates with you and you also want to find the love of your life this 2024, email me with ‘Behavioral Science’ and I can share with you how I can help you. You can reach me at info@katarinapolonska.com