Why Matchmaking alone won’t work for you. Or, why taking short-cuts with your love life is an awful idea.
One of the most depressing things that I hear on a nearly weekly basis is when potential clients tell me that they’d rather invest into a Matchmaker than work with a coach.
Second most depressing thing, is when people ask me when I’ll start doing my own matchmaking service. Heck, it’s the same thing as coaching, right?
Absolutely not.
In fact, it’s in wild opposition to coaching.
And whilst I will partner with one or two matchmaking companies (normally because I really like the founder and respect her work), I don’t see a world where I will ever become a matchmaker. Nor will I ever condone anything that is a shortcut to your love life.
Whether that’s getting a few counselling ‘talk therapy’ sessions because your insurance company pays for them and it’s cheaper than doing the deep, inner work. Or whether that’s investing into professional development because it’s ‘the same thing, right?’ and you get more tangible ROI or your company to pay for it. Or maybe it’s just burying your head in the sand, pretending everything is fine, things will sort themselves out, and you ‘can't afford’ to get the help you need.
I say this with love, because honestly - I am getting tired of seeing smart professionals with everything going for them making endless excuses when it comes to their love lives. And then complaining to me (or their friends) that nothing has really changed, they're feeling unappreciated, undesired, unfulfilled, their wife/husband is a nightmare, dates are terrible, there are no good people left in their city bla bla bla.
I am getting tired of seeing people who are so go-getting in EVERY area of their lives - become so passive and victim-like in their love lives.
And the reality is, you CANNOT take any shortcuts in your love life.
You can’t just avoid your way to happiness. You can’t just outsource your way to creating your ultimate relationship.
So why am I so anti shortcuts?
Because superficial solutions will get you superficial results.
We know this in most arenas in life. Whether it’s your business, your health, whatever - anything that feels superficial isn’t going to get you the deep transformation you’re looking for.
Sitting in a counsellors chair and letting them listen to you complain for an hour about your awful wife is not going to get you transformation. Sure, you’ll feel some relief. Temporarily. But you won’t learn anything. You won’t go very deep. You won’t leave with an action plan, or strategy, or accountability to actually DO anything.
Working with a matchmaker will get you in front of nice matches. Sure, you’ll have some fun dates. You’ll do a nice photoshoot and you’ll feel attractive. You’ll have fun meeting people and heck, you might even hit it off with someone. But…
If you haven’t done the inner work and the inner transformation, if you haven’t looked at your own patterns, your own triggers, and how you are WIRED on an internal level, the SAME wiring that has been getting you BAD results until now…then you’re just going to end up attracting the same stories over and over again.
What this looks like, is, you’ll either:
Be unable to see the right match for you, even if they are slap bang in front of you - BECAUSE your internal wiring will still be the old stuff that got you stuck in the first place. Think about it: we know that who you find attractive, who you are drawn to, is not a neutral thing. Your patterns and behaviours around attraction, your ‘type’ stems from your internal makeup. Your internal makeup stems from your childhood. Often this is maladaptive (broken) because your childhood wasn’t perfect (no one’s is). So you have some maladaptive attraction patterns. You go for people who aren’t good for you. You fall for the bad guys, the drama queen’s. You go for abusive dynamics. My friend, I’m telling you now - until you resolve this wiring on an internal level, you are going to end up recreating the same patterns. This is an inner job. So you can meet ALL the people in the world, heck you can even meet your soulmate a million times over, and be unable to see them in front of you…because your internal wiring is blocking you. Yes, these are the blind spots, blockers, whatever you want to call it, that I talk about. Because let’s face it - if you were able to see the right match for you, you’d have found them by now.
Be unable to keep the new match. Sure, you might end up in a relationship. That might work well in the Honeymoon phase (up to 2 years depending on your attachment style). This phase is EASY. You’re flooded in hormones, rose tinted glasses are glued to your face, and everything is dandy. Then once this wears off, because it will and it always does, and you hit the real relationship phase, your own triggers and patterns will start to flare up again. Because they always do. And what this will look like is that old idea of self-sabotage. Whatever that might look like for you, you will somehow start to sabotage the relationship and repel your own partner. That’s because that same old wiring is stuck in there, that same old wiring that got you into the failed relationships you had before this one. Nothing has really changed, you just had another shot at love and you’re blowing it because you haven’t done that inner work. Again, sorry to say this so bluntly, I really am saying this with love. I don't want you to end up like all the other hopeless and disheartened executives out there that I see doing next to nothing to fix their relationship because they’re trying to save money or avoid doing the deep work.
Attract the WRONG match. We know that the law of attraction is real. However you want to position it, what you believe, what you are internally imagining and conceiving for yourself, is what you will attract. This is the same thing for relationships. If I believe that all men cheat, then I am going to create that internal wiring inside of me that’s going to then create my external wiring to behave that way, see things that way, and attract things to be that way. So then, lo and behold, I will attract men who cheat. (And I say this with conviction as someone who did have that belief and then attracted a man who did actually cheat on me). Same thing as believing all women are crazy, or all women are drama, or all women are angry…of course you’re going to then attract that very reality. The brain likes congruence. It NEEDS congruence. What you believe internally it has to create externally otherwise you’d go mad. So if you haven’t examined what garbage you’re running on repeat in your mind, and you haven’t dug it out, thrown it away, and replaced it with a nice new clean space to create healthy, new types of relationships in…my friend, yes, you’ve guessed it - you’re going to attract the wrong people. And then the worst thing is, you can START the inner work afterwards, and START doing the inner transformation, but by that point you’re already embroiled with someone who’s utterly wrong for you, and at that point it’s so much harder to walk away or start things again. It’s doable - a lot of my clients are actually folks IN relationships looking to improve them - so it’s totally doable - and at the same time, you want to do that inner work sooner rather than later so you’re not so entrenched that it becomes impossible to shift.
The reality is, if you want to change your external reality, your relationships, your love life, your sex life, your dating life….it’s an inner job.
And the reality is, as I wrote last week, most counselling, talk therapy, CBT, online blogs (including this one) don’t give you the deep tools for that deep work that you need to do to get deep results. Of course they don’t. Half the time because they don’t know how to, it’s not their modality, and the other half of the time, it's’ not commercially in their interest. You can read ALL the online content out there, download all the free guides, spend your entire year digesting all the free stuff out there and not achieve any inner change. You’ll gain a ton of knowledge, but you won’t embody it. You can try to cut costs by using your insurance provider to get you some support, but the odds are your insurance provider hasn’t found the best relationship coaching out there and isn’t that invested into saving your marriage or helping you find love. In fact, one of my favourite studies show that 78 out of 80 wellbeing interventions in the workplace have ZERO impact on you.
This is the exact same thing as if someone handed you a multi million dollar business and said “Off you go! Go build your empire”. If you haven’t done the inner work to be able to HOLD and RUN and SCALE this type of business, your own inner blocks, mindset, lack of knowledge will lead you to self sabotage it. In fact, you’d probably hurt yourself in the process and burn out horribly. Same thing goes with love.
What we know DOES work is:
Taking the time and space to do that inner work and inner transformation. If you can do it in a clear, systematic, structured, spacious way that lets you cover your bases, go deep, get the job done, get the clarity you need, and move on with your life - even better. Ideally you do this in a way that integrates and works with the subconscious mind so you can get rapid change that sticks. For my clients, this is anything from 3 - 6 months. I lay out the methodology for them, they dive in, digest, embody, transform, and move on with their lives (and most do this with their new life partners that they find along the way).
Practise, practise, practise of your newfound way of being. Life is a journey. Your growth is a journey. It’s not a one and done. I still do marital coaching with my husband. We still do relationship exercises, rituals, practices. I still do my own coaching and development on myself. I am still learning. My own teachers are still learning. We are all learning. It’s an iterative process. But the difference is you are making forward progress, and applying new learnings, rather than going around in circles in a counsellor's office just talking about things. You’re actually DOING them. And each time you do, things get BETTER. And better, and better, and better.
The best clients find the best results when THEY do the work to find THEIR life partner. I am not doing it for them. I have created the path for them, and I keep them on track. I shine the light on their journey and I lean in to support them and course correct. And THEY are the ones doing it so that THEY are the ones that change, get the benefits, and can go live their best lives without me in the end.
You know that saying about teaching a man to fish? It applies here.
So when I hear someone say, oh but there aren’t any good people in my city, or I can’t afford change, or this is too expensive…
…All I hear is excuses.
Yes, there are tons of good people in your city, you just can’t see them because you’re stuck in point 1, with your blind spots blocking you.
Yes, transformation and deep seated change is expensive - finding your life partner is expensive. You know what’s even more expensive though? Going through endless painful divorces. Paying matchmakers upwards of $50k per 6 months to find yourself on dates that go nowhere, or in relationships that never develop because YOU self-sabotage.
You know what’s worth every ounce of time and investment?
Becoming successfully in love with YOURSELF, with your LIFE, and with the RIGHT partner for YOU.
That is priceless.
It helps your career, your health, your happiness, your finances.
It helps EVERYTHING.
When you have that foundation right, the rest of your life transforms into one of ease and joy.
Yes, there will be hard times with your soulmate, because we’re human, and yet those hard times are SO much easier and SO full of growth when you are with the RIGHT person.
I could bang on about this for days, but I’ll leave you with this:
If you want to change your life, you have to change yourself.
If you want to change yourself, you have to go within.
If you want to go within, you have to go deep.
And that doesn’t have to be hard or scary or long winded. Heck, it’s GOING to be long winded if you keep taking endless stupid shortcuts that lead to nowhere.
It can be fast, succinct, and to the point - if you let yourself have it.
And you deserve to let yourself have it.
Because you are worthy.
Because you are deserving.
Because you can have everything you’ve ever dreamed of. And you deserve to.
Now - if this resonates with you…
I’m starting a new case study this April and I’m looking for 5 go-getting professionals who want to become as successful in their relationships as they are in their career in the next 30-60 days.
You’ll receive support in finding your life partner, becoming successfully in love, and creating your ultimate relationship this 2024.
If that’s you, DM me the word ‘Success’ and I’ll share the details with you.
